Well, not really. But I am furthering my journey along a path I've considered traveling for a while now. Mrs. Cook, my sixth grade grade teacher, introduced me to meditation. I don't know why it appealed to me then, but it did. Meditation is one of things that makes sense to me, even though I don't completely understand it.
My religious experience consists of being raised in a Baptist family while attending Catholic school. Therefore, I know how to sit for a long time and say lots of prayers. I can say most of those prayers in Spanish (Jesus is multilingual, are you?). My second grade teacher told us non-Catholics we might be going to hell because we weren't Catholic. To compensate for what could possibly be eternal damnation, I would practically wash my face in holy water each week before and after mass. I confessed. I said the rosary. Once, one of my friends let me sub for her as an altar girl. I loved to ring the bells. If going to church was crack, I then just call me
Pooky. "God be call'n me, he be call'n me!" I went to Mass once a week at school, some Saturdays, and then off to Baptist church on Sundays. I was in the children's choir, children's usher board, and secretary for children's Sunday School. I was in every group there was. I figured if Catholics had the sure ticket to heaven, then going to
two churches instead of just one was bound to get me extra credit. Gold star for Beckie!
I converted to Catholicism to marry my X and raise our kids in his family parish (which no longer exists). Now that I'm divorced (sans annulment), I'm technically a pariah. That would be a problem if I cared. I don't. Religion is a Google map, as far as I'm concerned. It's a route that can but sometimes doesn't get you to where you think you want to be.
At this point in my life, church (any) isn't working for me. I find I connect with God more easily and more meaningfully when I meditate. That's my church. That, reading (
Tolle,
Holmes, and
Rinpoche), community service and
Joel. Trying to find a new church home is hard work. I dare anybody to try it. Better yet, try as a single person, then go with your family. See if there is a difference. It flat out sucks. No church is as welcoming as it thinks it is; some churches flat out don't want new members. This has been my experience with christian churches, non-denominational (by definition is denominational), Baptist, and Catholic.
But I've never been one to care too much what people think. If I like the feeling I get going to a church, I'll go as long as I like how I feel. But in recent years, I've only gone because I feel like I'm supposed to, to give the kids the experience. And frankly, that's not enough. The fact that I'm a Christian mutt only benefits me when it comes to game show trivia. My kids also feel and see the disconnect between new members and old ones. It's not a fun experience for them. And I'm kinda over the whole perfect attendance at church thing. I'm not knocking folks who go to church; please don't read any sarcasm in what I'm saying. In fact, I like and admire that. But it doesn't work for me. Spiritually, it just doesn't work.
What has been working for me is meditation. For years, I've practiced alone. Only child syndrome...introvert...I find people exhausting. Meditating helps me remember myself. It helps me relax out of the anxiety I feel when I'm encountering the world. I trust myself and my intuition more. Mediation gave me the strength to ask my X for a divorce. Meditation helps me to chart a course of action for myself and my family. But...meditating alone is a real challenge. And it brings up issues that I don't know what to do with. So now I've started to attend a
meditation group. And so far, it's going well. And by so far, I mean two sessions. But I know enough about meditation and the community that potentially comes along with it to know that I like this one. Although it is based in a Buddhist tradition, being a Buddhist is not a requirement. Nor is it an expectation. Meditation is truly a non-denominational practice. This group seems to embrace that concept.
I see myself working on pulling together things I used to think were incongruous, fractured or just not acceptable. Things appealed to me at different times in my life and I didn't know why. But now they seem to come together; vegetarianism, yoga, meditation, my disdain for litter, instrumentals. Peaceful habits of sentient beings. I don't know where this is going to take me; but I'm looking forward to this ride. This year I want answers--no more questions. I'm tired of waiting. Let's go.
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