Beckie has a blog.

Dear Hobby Lobby,

2011-12-06T11:08:00.001-05:00

How are you? I am fine. I'm writing to say to you how much I hate you. I cringe when I pass by you. I wretch at the thought of having to go into your store. For a hobby store, your decor is insanely dull. Your wares are mediocre. Even your inventory is unreliable. You are grotesquely enormous; yet when I have no choice but to shop in your hellish store, you never have all I need. Why do you suck ass, HL? Why is your name so stupid? I'm not 5 years old, Hobby. Maybe think about a store name for shoppers who no longer fit in the front seat of a shopping cart.

Hobby Lobby, you're an asshole. You are an anus of craftware. The poor people who are stuck working for you know nothing useful related to crafts. I have yet to encounter a HL sales person who can say something besides, "I don't know." You don't train your staff, you don't give them decent equipment and they can't make any decisions. You set them up to suck as bad as you, and that's wrong. I feel sorry for people who have no choice but to shop in your store. Thank capitalism I have better choices.

You're not a lobby, you're a waste of space.

Fail, Hobbly Lobotomy, fail.

UPDATE: I did a search on hobby lobby fail and now I know why HL sucks. Because they're a bunch of right-wing, sanctimonious fundamentalist batshit crazy ignorant morons.

Hobby Lobby Owner Builds Bible Museum

Have a nice day!

What's for dinner?

2011-12-05T08:48:00.001-05:00

Testing out my camera...doesn't this look yummy?! Sauteed chicken breast and a crunchy green salad.

Beckie does DIY.

2011-11-22T09:44:00.001-05:00

I made my own knitting needles!! Circular ones at that! I am so excited that I am so awesome! I was making a this for my daughter and I was down to the last section, when SNAP! the cable broke! I was soo pissed! These circular needles cost about 10 bucks; which may not seem like alot but keep in mind most knitters have several pairs of needles. The longer the cable, the higher the cost. The pair I had was 36"; pretty long. I was working with a bulky yarn, so the knitting was getting really heavy on the needles. I spent the rest of the evening pouting. The next morning I woke up with the MacGyver solution....you. must. make. them.

Lucky for me, the old man who previously owned my house left a few useful items around; one being string for a weed wacker. Like any good (albeit former) elementary school teacher, I know dowels can come in handy for a variety of things. Even luckier for me, I had close to the right size I needed. And of course, the power tools. I used the Dreme.l to shape and sand the dowels, my cordless drill to bore a tiny hole in one end of the needle, and my hot glue gun to secure the string in the hole. I let the needles set, then used a sander to smooth the joins. Lastly, I applied plumber's tape to the joins to prevent snags (though I still need to improve upon that).

I still prefer metal needles to wood; wood looks better to me but the metal needles knit quicker and don't snag the yarn as much. My ~~jerryrigged~~ homemade handcrafted needles aren't perfect; I need finer sanding paper to really get them smooth and more tape to wrap the joins. But, I have finished her cowl and it looks awesome! You know why it looks awesome? Cuz I'm awesome!

Beckie reads awesome blogs.

2011-11-14T15:22:00.001-05:00

So I'm busy doing stuff that really isn't that productive, but such is my life for the moment. In the meantime, please to enjoy by way of a cool brown chick blog, Brown Girl in the Lane. I am no longer surprised when something I need comes to me, especially when it comes to me. I spent the weekend watching the first season of Game of Thrones. I put off watching it because I wanted to limit my TV time, and the reviews I read were very inconsistent. I was skeptical. But I was wrong. I can't wait for season 2 and I'm waiting for the books to come through library loan. Working at a university with access to an entire system of libraries is a huge perk for me! I know I save hundreds if not thousands by using the system. Yay me!

Anyway, Osha is played by Natalia Tena, an amazing (I need to start using another word besides amazing) singer/actress, is the lead singer in a band called Molotov Jukebox. This band invented their own style of music, gyp-step. That.is.amaz-balls. I knew none of this though when I marathoned through season 1 of GoT.

My geekiness demands I know about the artist/sage/story of the art that speaks to me. I go way past the wiki baseline. I could be a detective; like Jonathon from Bored to Death (not really trying to pimp ech.bee.oh). Back to point....Tena had me with the song intro which is featured in the vid. And the duck. I am this song. And I'm ok with that. For now.

Trying - Molotov Jukebox
I feel like I'm halfcomplete
Trying to find myplace in the sun and run and I run and I run but I can't compete
My friends say I'mfine but I'm fraying at the seams
and I just can'tsleep
My nightmares Ikeep through the day and they won't go away
and I tastedefeat
.. ..
Obsessed restlessmind
I wish I knew theright way to fill out my time
but I let thealcohol flow and I put on a show but you know

More Natalia Tena here.

Beckie is on fire.

2011-10-10T10:07:00.000-04:00

So today is Day 1 of the Inferno Plan from TurboFire. I've already messed it up. After studying (cuz I'm a nerd) all this material they give you, I did the wrong exercise routine. I was supposed to do Fire 55 but I did Fire 30. Plus, I forgot to eat before I left home to get to work. Sounds odd considering my 26" thighs are as thick as a woman's waist. They didn't get that size by me being forgetful about food. During Inferno, you are to consume 1200 calories a day. It's now 9:39 AM and I've had 690 calories already. I've always resisted using food journals because I think it's such a waste of time and won't make a difference. Well, considering my stats below, I'm open to try anything to get this fat suit offa me. I am on track with water; I've already had 2 8oz. glasses plus a cup of Earl Grey tea (no sugar or milk). I think if I take Rockey for a nice long stroll this evening I'll be ok for Day 1.

I was able to stay about 75% up with the video. I thought the trainer would be Denise-Richards-annoying but she's way better. Chalene definitely does a good job of keeping your energy level up without bursting your eardrums or pissing you off. While I am a bit uncoordinated, I don't think I did too bad following the steps. Workout music generally sucks chunks in my opinion, but the tracks I heard were motivating. I have to take my photos this evening, which I'll add later. Here are my stats:

My "Before" Stats (10/10/2011)
Chest       43
R. Arm 14 1/2
L. Arm    15 1/2 (I'm a leftie!)

Waist    40
Hips    46
R. Thigh 26
L. Thigh 26

Total inches 211
Weight          207 lbs.

This is how I dooze.

2011-10-10T09:35:00.000-04:00

Somebody drop that boom-boom kack beat...

I kicks it on my single speed bike
You know, that's how I'm living life right
Don't need no brakes cuz I don't go fast
Don't need no gears cuz I'm not going past u
See me and say ha-ha ha-ha she funny
But I know you is paying out that money
To fill your tank you can't feel your bank
Making all that stank in your caged up jank

Rolling on the twos, rolling, rolling on the twos
Rolling on the twos, rolling, rolling on the twos
That's how I dooze, I'm rolling on them twos

My ride to work is like stupid short
Like Judge Miriam of People's Court
You can't stand the rain cuz you all dried up
You can't take the pain cuz you so gassed up
Fien'n for that petrol got you going hard
Hooking for that retail is just so retard
Your problem is this you forgot what's real
You let them talk you into more than you can deal
When you were young you knew how to have fun
Now you grown and all you do is moan about
this and that and now you feel trapped
but what you can't see is how to be free
You gotta wake up so you can stay tuned
channel your grind and free your mind

Rolling on the twos, rolling, rolling on the twos
Rolling on the twos, rolling, rolling on the twos
That's how I dooze, I'm rolling on them twos

When I grow up...

2011-10-01T14:20:00.000-04:00

I will never need to ask my mother for money.
I will pay all my own bills.
I will not be in debt.
I will never bounce a check.
I will pay all my taxes.
I will not marry (again) without a prenuptial agreement (if ever).
Exercise and meditation are habits.
Not suck.
~~I will have a dog.~~

Fall 2011 TV: Suckburbatory

2011-10-01T07:41:00.000-04:00

Hey Suburbatory, I want 30 minutes of my life back! I don't know how this show made it to the air, but someone needs to send it straight to Hell. I say this as a TV junkie; I have low viewing standards. Really low (I watch Basketball Wives). But I know talented actors when I see them and the cast of this show has some of the best. Which is why I cannot understand how they agreed to do this messy sitcom. It tries to be snarky, but misses the mark. The narrator complains about everything (which most teenagers do) yet offers nothing in contrast.

"Yes, you're bra looks orthopedic!"
"I wouldn't call those lesbian boots, but I understand where they're coming from."

True, the suburbs can be very Stepford, but urban dwellers can be very hipster, which negates the suckitude of both lifestyles. I think 14 year olds wrote the script. As far as the cast goes, perhaps they agreed to do this show to raise money for a good cause. Either that, or they are all in debt or know of someone being held hostage somewhere. I don't see this show lasting at all. I can only hope.

Today I...

2011-09-30T13:07:00.000-04:00

1. Forgot to set my alarm clock to 5:30 AM. Got up at 6:10, but I did write 3 pages. Ruminations on a novel.
2. Made breakfast. Did not walk the dog.
3. Packed my lunch--homemade black bean & corn chowder.

4. I did NOT go back to bed. I usually do. Yay me!

5. Rode my bike to work. In the rain. But I had to walk it up two baby hills cuz my ass is fat.

6. Got to work early (for me).

7. Got paid at midnight and I'm already broke (it's lunchtime as I write this).

8. Might actually start organizing my craft room/office/doggy day room.

9. Started on The Taste of Salt and Rubber Balls and Liquor. I can't read one book at a time. I'm abibliophobic.

10. Meditated. It felt so good to sit. Don't know why I stopped.

11.Went to bed by midnight. Mostly.

Hopefully today will end as well as it started.

Tomorrow I'm gonna...

2011-09-29T13:56:00.000-04:00

1. Get out of bed at 5:30 AM to write.
2. Make breakfast and walk the dog.
3. Pack lunches for me and the boy.

4. Not go back to bed.
5. Ride my bike to work.
6. Get to work early.
7. Ride my bike to the store.
8. Start organizing my craft room/office/doggy day room.
9. Start on a new book.
10.Meditate.
11.Go to bed by midnight.

TV

2011-08-25T16:32:00.001-04:00

Lately I've been paying a little more attention to my routines. Let me share my after work routine. I walk home, wash dishes, change clothes, use the bathroom (not necessarily) in that order. Talk with my son about his day, foot wrestle with the dog and sit in my favorite chair to watch DVR'ed episodes of my new favorite show, Supernatural. This is THE.BEST.SHOW.EVER. EVER!! I should state openly that my pop culture sensibilities are closer to that of a 13 year old boy than a nearly 43 year old black woman, but that isn't meant to imply a lack of mass appeal this show has. I knew I would forever <3 this show when I saw this episode, Route 666. The show's creator, Eric Kripke hails from Ohio, my home state. Some of the best people I know are Buckeyes.

We've only recently started watching the show. I stumbled on it one day when I was playing hooky. They are onto season 7 and I'm not that far along yet. Basically, the two brothers are hunting evil. The show writers explore urban legends, cultural myths, religious prose, etc. The writing is witty and fresh. This type of show appeals to both me and my son. There are cultural references which he doesn't always get but he can appreciate the funny parts. In one episode, Dean and Sam were forced to play 80's TV cops. In another episode, a demon went back in time to save the Titanic. Why? I'll just say this demon and I both have an aversion to a particular Canadian songstress , eh?

Every episode features a balls out rock soundtrack of some classic rock legends. There are lots of Easter eggs in just about every episode.

Did I mention Dean drives a '67 Impala? Beckie loves the muscle cars.

2011-08-24T11:27:00.000-04:00

This tickled my geek bone and my Jesus Hong funnybone all at the same time.

Jesus Made My Pizza

Celebrate the Autumnal Equinox: Create an original family tradition

2011-08-21T15:54:00.004-04:00

My extended family celebrates traditional Christian holidays. We also recognize birthdays in one form or another. I love my family, but I feel like it's time we reconsider what and why we celebrate. Personally, I don't like holidays. Holidays bring up bad memories for me, particularly Christmas. Since having had kids, I've gotten alot better with it, but it will never be a favorite. I secretly yearn for the season I can pack my bags and take a solo cruise or flight to a tropical island and chillax with my Kindle and Chardonnay. I'd take the dog too if I could. That to me would be a Christmas I'd love.

Now that I've typed this, I realize it sounds like I think my kids and my family are a bother. They really aren't; far from it. They bring me joy in ways I never thought possible. But it's a private mental space that I need to occupy and I can't do it with others physically present. I'm an only child; what can I say!

Date and time of solstices and equinoxes
year	Equinox Mar		Solstice June		Equinox Sept		Solstice Dec
year	day	time	day	time	day	time	day	time
2004	20	06:49	21	00:57	22	16:30	21	12:42
2005	20	12:33	21	06:46	22	22:23	21	18:35
2006	20	18:26	21	12:26	23	04:03	22	00:22
2007	21	00:07	21	18:06	23	09:51	22	06:08
2008	20	05:48	20	23:59	22	15:44	21	12:04
2009	20	11:44	21	05:45	22	21:18	21	17:47
2010	20	17:32	21	11:28	23	03:09	21	23:38
2011	20	23:21	21	17:16	23	09:04	22	05:30
2012	20	05:14	20	23:09	22	14:49	21	11:12
2013	20	11:02	21	05:04	22	20:44	21	17:11
2014	20	16:57	21	10:51	23	02:29	21	23:03
2015	20	22:45	21	16:38	23	08:20	22	04:48
2016	20	04:30	20	22:34	22	14:21	21	10:44
2017	20	10:28	21	04:24	22	20:02	21	16:28

My Name is What? My Name is Who?

2011-08-19T09:00:00.000-04:00

So, I’ve spent the last few years of my life trying to re-create a sense of family or community for myself. It has not worked out as well as I would like. Since the divorce, I have felt untethered, sort of haphazard toward those around me. I feel awkward. And not in a geeky, hipster (if those two words together make any sense), but in a misanthropic, apathetic way.

I have also been thinking about my death and what that will mean to those I leave behind. Let me be clear, I’m happy being alive. I would like to continue being alive for a long time. That said, at some time we are all going to die. And don’t want my life to be misrepresented by inaccurate, incomplete, stunted relationships. In other words, those who are left around me (if there are any), will have known me well enough to represent for me who I was. I worry that I share so little of myself with so few people, that when that event comes to pass, “I” won’t be there. The soror will be there, the ex-whatever will be there, the christian will be there, but none of those people are me.

So now, the question is, who will be there? And how can I make sure she shows up?

I know the daughter will be there. I am the daughter of the most amazing woman in the world. I am the granddaughter of the best grandfather a girl could have. I wished I would have recognized that sooner. And while I no longer have a relationship with my father, I did love him and I did what I could to help him love himself. I'm a good friend to those I care about. If you do me wrong, you're done. No do-overs, no mulligans. Toast. Which will probably means you won't be at my funeral anyway. And oh yeah, I rock hard as a mother.

So when one is confronted with this type of identify crisis, it is commonplace to wonder what all this means on Facebook. When I broke up with FB over a year ago, one of my reasons was that too many people I had little to no interaction with in any other way were my “friends”. I found this creepy and yet I would concern myself with their status updates like any other FB stalker. I mean, that IS what it’s for, right? When I decided to open another account, initially I was only using it for entertainment, news and shopping. Many businesses and organizations offer discounts, recipes, knitting patterns, etc via FB. But eventually I realized there really isn’t a more convenient way to share photos and stay updated with my “real-life” friends and family. So I added a handful of people I care about. But I still worried about FB bloat. I’d already made my page as private as I could; I even blocked certain friends from seeing some of the features. I’ve since even learned to remove annoying updates (which include but are not limited to messages directed toward Jesus and no one on FB or whatever you ate for lunch ) from my newsfeed. But my biggest worry is that someone who thinks they knew me from a previous life could FB find me. I don’t want to have to deny a friend request because I don’t want you all up in my feed. You don't know what you're getting into.

Most of my acquaintances don’t know my name is Beckie.They wouldn't necessarily recognize that as what I'm called. But my last name is fairly unique; so I felt I needed a quick-fast remedy.

I brainstormed a list of possible FB last names. Here we go:

Beckie Dontburnnochic
Beckie Roxursox
Beckie Dontcry
Beckie Rockstar
Beckie Risenshine
Beckie Breakitdown
Beckie Fangbanger
Beckie Allupinit
Beckie Weighsaton
Beckie O’Grindn
Beckie Sontheball
Beckie House
Beckie Beckie Beckie
Beckie Saysso
Beckie T5BP
Beckie Sonherown
Beckie Datswhussup
Beckie Onaroll
Beckie Boogiesdown
Beckie Runswbigdawgs
Beckie Knowsthedeal
Beckie Dontbuyit
Beckie Savestheworld
Beckie Isonfb
Beckie Isthesause
Beckie Onblast
Beckie Blowurmind
Beckie Tinks
Beckie Bustacap
Beckie Supahot
Beckie Balln
Beckie Makeitwork
Beckie O. Beckie
Beckie Isonfire
Beckie Twopointo
Beckie Weckie

I'm going to start with the first one.

2011-07-03T10:53:00.001-04:00

I saw this here and thought it would be fun to do. The directions say to "Bold the things you've done, italicize the things you want to do." My font doesn't bold, so the things I've accomplished are in red.

1. Started my own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band - I used to play piano for my church's youth choir, but we had no other musicians.

4. Visited Hawaii - I can't honestly that's a goal for me, although I do love to travel.

5. Watched a meteor shower - Nope.

6. Given more than I can afford to charity- It's happened twice. Once was an oversight on my part.

7. Been to Disneyland/world - My cousin took my kids two years ago. Now that Hogwarts is there, I want to go.

8. Climbed a mountain - I've climbed synthetic walls, which I choose to count as a mountain, since I don't particularly want to climb a real one.

9. Held a praying mantis - Why? Why would anyone want to do this?

10. Sung a solo - I've sung on stage many times as part of a choral group, but never a solo. What does that mean?

11. Bungee jumped- NEVER!

12. Visited Paris - I would love to!

13. Watched lightning at sea - Hmm, this must be interesting to watch. I'll have to look into it.

14. Taught myself an art from scratch - Calligraphy, origami, web design (way back in the late 1990's)

15. Adopted a child - My parents tried once. His name was Adam and he was featured on a local news program. Another family got through first. I thought I would when I became an adult, but now that my youngest is 14, I don't think this will happen.

16. Had food poisoning - Related to #46

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - The time I went to NYC, the statue was closed for major restoration.

18. Grown my own vegetables - They turned out to be horrible looking, stumpy baby carrots. I don't think I even ate one.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - There is so much other art that I find more interesting than that one at the Louvre, but I suppose it's required viewing if you're there.

20. Slept on an overnight train - I would love to train travel cross-country.

21. Had a pillow fight - Many, many times.

22. Hitchhiked - Was a great way to get around in a small college town. Too bad the world is too scary now.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill- I've done this way too many times.

24. Built a snow fort - I grew up in Cleveland. 'Nuff said.

25. Held a lamb - I guess this would be a moment.

26. Gone skinny dipping - I'm in!

27. Run a Marathon - I'm in training. In my mind.

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - Does Vegas count?

29. Seen a total eclipse - I saw one once; would like to do it again.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - See above.

31. Hit a home run - In the park home run. But that was only because the fielders sucked more than me.

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - Several times. Apparently most of it is gone now?

34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors - Blacksburg, VA. We've gone back as far as my grandfather's grandfather.

35. Seen an Amish community - No big whup, but I'm in Ohio, so I've been there dozens of times.

36. Taught myself a new language - This is on my list. I want to learn an authentic African language.

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing - see mountain response

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance - Related to #16

47. Had my portrait painted - A street artist drew my profile in charcoal when my locs were pretty long. I still have it.

48. Gone deep sea fishing - I've gone deep lake fishing. That's good enough for me.

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person - Whoever wrote this list, sure loves the renaissance!

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain - Overrrated.

53. Played in the mud - Me, Tangie and Kelli made mud pies, mud castles, and mud houses all the time!

54. Gone to a drive-in theater - My parents used to dress me in my PJ's and a blanket. I loved falling asleep in the back seat of our '68 Chevy Impala! Vinyl was never so comfy as it was back then!

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason - Trust me, there's always a reason.

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - Almost. I was in Vienna for a week, but we ran out of time.

67. Bounced a check - No comment.

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - I still have my baseball card collection!

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square - It's pretty dirty!

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car - And I never will again. Dumbest.move.ever.

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had my picture in the newspaper - LOL! The Call & Post, local entertainment section. Who's who partying in Cleveland!

85. Read the entire Bible - I've read parts of practically every chapter. I'm done.

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - Both my grandmothers raised and plucked chickens. As much chicken as I eat, I feel like I should experience this.

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life - Not that I know of.

90. Sat on a jury - Was called in, but not selected.

91. Met someone famous - Jesse Jackson, Dr. J, Veronica Hamel, Dr. Alvin Poissaint, Clarke Kellogg, Naomi Tutu. But the best one ever was Betty Williams. She was the first white person I ever heard speak passionately about how MLK inspired her to take action. She is so courageous. I was so moved by her experience. And she can curse like a sailor!

92. Joined a book club - I confess.

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby - Two. And their on sale now.

95. Seen the Alamo in person - WTF is the Alamo? All I know about it is Ozzy Osbourne peed on it, and that was a big no-no!

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake - I've waded in Lake Erie. That's good enough.

97. Been involved in a law suit - Divorce is a law suit.

98. Owned a cell phone - And I wish I didn't. I hate cell phones. I hate all phones.

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Ridden an elephant - When I was a kid at the circus. I used to have the photo, but now it's lost.

Beckie likes her name. And doesn't.

2011-07-01T12:58:00.000-04:00

"Do you like your name?"
This was a writing post prompt from NaBloPoMo for June 29th. It's something I've been thinking about for some time and thought I'd take the time to blog about it. I have many names. By names, I mean names people call me. I can't call them nicknames because they aren't; the names I am called are derivations of my real name. I think nicknames are attributes randomly used to address someone. Calling a Joseph, Joe, for example, is not my definition of a nickname.

I don't like my first name.
I have a first name that I was never called by until high school. I went to a catholic all girls school. The nuns insisted I be referred to by my given, christian name. I was ok with that part, but what I didn't like was that people would automatically shorten it from the full (and apparently exhausting 3 syllables it takes to say it), Valerie to a one syllable sound Val, that I find mildly irritating. I was not ok with that. But at the time, I didn't think too much about it, because most of the girls still called me by the name they heard my grade school friends call me. But once I got to college, Val took on a life of it's own. Even some of my oldest friends started calling me Val, because they said, "everybody else is calling me that." (insert Tiffany Greene face here)

The second reason I don't like being called Val is that is what my dad is called. It's his name, not mine. But again, it's the shortened version. His first name is Valmore. And he's a junior, which means at one time, there were two black men named Valmore. As I've come to understand it, my paternal grandmother (whom I never had the chance to meet) worked for a German Jewish family in West Virginia. She was their cook, their maid, their nanny etc. She told my father that she named him after the family patriarch, hoping her employer's good fortune would rub off onto her son. Ironically, he spent most of his youth being referred to as Junior, not Val. Don't get me wrong; I love that I'm named after my dad (so glad I'm a girl though), and being that I'm 42 years old now I should be used to it, but I'm not. I bristle just the slightest bit when I hear Val in reference to me. And I hear it alot. Everyday. Even my kids don't get it. I would love to tell people to stop calling me that, but telling people to start using a different first name is quite awkward, and I'm awkward enough as it is. Especially at work. Especially with folks who aren't all that geeked about calling you anything in the first place. I never sign my name Val, I never introduce myself as Val, and still no one has caught on.

I do like my middle name. I wish it were my first name.
Obviously it's Rebecca. Absolutely NO ONE calls me Rebecca. Again, there must be some sort of mental block people have against pronouncing 3-syllable names. I was named for my father's mother. Everyone called her Beckie, so that is what my parents called me.That's what everyone called me. So on the first day of kindergarten (which I do remember), Miss Manski asked if Valerie S. was in attendance. I didn't know who she was, but I did know B came before V (I was very bright) as she should have called me first. After much debate, tears and my mother's embarrassment that I didn't know my name (she never told me, although she claims she did), I gave in to this silly idea that the name Valerie had to come before Rebecca even though Valerie was never used before then. I once sent Christmas cards to my extended family the year I got my first apartment. The family gathering that following Easter, my aunt asks, does anyone know who Valerie is? I got a Xmas card from some woman claiming to be my niece!"

I used to get teased for being called Beckie. "I never met a black girl named Beckie before...is that really your name?" When I would explain it was really my middle name I would hear, "Oh, so you just trying to be special by using your middle name!" (See face above) Umm, not really and umm, so what? Sorry if you want to call me Shanenee or Sadika, but that just isn't my name. Am I less black because of it? Seriously? Fuck what Sir Mixalot's Baby Got Back says. Surprisingly most folks who said stuff like that, had a "white-like" name themselves, whatever that is. Really.not.my.issue.

A handful, more like a sprinkling or a pinch full of folks call be Becca. I like that name-lette too, but I don't call myself that. I stick with what I know. What my Mama taught me (inspite of what she claims). What my paternal grandmother was called while she cleaned houses for a living. What my dad named me in honor of her.

P.S. And it's with an -i-e, not a -y!

What have I done for me lately.

2011-06-26T17:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend I have been playing with my blog innards. Every now and then, I get the bright idea to give my blog some focus and direction; a theme. At the time, I think this will stimulate me to write more and better. Then it occurs to me I need to do more and better with alot of things; my health, work, home making, cooking, walking the dog, being social, etc. One of my goals this year is to read more, and to that end, I've committed to reading 50 books this year (I'm at 11). I have also fallen back in love with bicycles. So I figured I would combine reading, writing and riding as a theme for my blog. But I'm also in love with knitting and homemaking, which don't fit the quasi-alliteration of my new blog title. My daughter has just graduated from high school and getting ready for college. My son is starting his freshman year of high school in the fall. I'm trying to get my health back and reduce debt. I have recently had an epiphany regarding religion and spirituality, which I'll write about later. So with all this going on, how can I limit the theme of my blog to reading, writing and riding?

I know, I'm spending way too much time quibbling. I wish quibbling were a profession. I'd be an expert. Beckie, the Master Quibbler. Let's get back to basics. Blogging is really about writing. My quibble is not about a blog title, it's about writing. I'm afraid to write. I'm afraid that writing will lead to something. I'm afraid that writing will lead to nothing. I don't know how to handle either outcome. But I do know I can't keep sitting on my hands. This is why I love knitting. You can't knit if you're sitting on your hands. You have to "read" your pattern. Your hands are the alpha and omega of the knitwear. Knitting is meditative. And I've stopped meditating. I'm cheating on my meditation practice by knitting.

Dragon in the Clouds by Chen Rong

I know I've threatened to do this before, but this time, this time, this time I really mean it. I'm adding a new page here (tentatively and permanently titled) Artist's Way Journals. I have about 8 spiral notebooks full of daily entries beginning in 2004 that I want to archive digitally. That year is the year began to really think about my marriage and what it was worth to me and to my family. This whole concept of "falling back in love" with things I once valued but lost sight of as I attempted to be the person I thought I was supposed to be comes from remembering how I felt before all of that. Some of these entries are notes; most are my thoughts at the time. I'm curious to see how much I've changed back into myself and how much I have not.

Lists Are Sexy!

2011-06-21T15:46:00.000-04:00

Minus The Bars gets the One Hot Sexy Lister Award (that I have yet to create)!
He had me at Prince!

T-shirt Tuesday.

2011-06-21T11:53:00.000-04:00

I'm not endorsing or affiliated with this company in any way. I just love their t-shirts.

Time for a quote

2011-06-21T01:00:00.001-04:00

“Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.” --Don Delillo

The quote above came from one of my favorite blogs, The Words I Type. I swear Ms. Kia writes the thoughts that are in my head.

Cheers!

SUPER SCARVES

2011-04-25T10:53:00.001-04:00

SUPER SCARVES

I am addicted to knitting. I knit every single day. The problem is I have yet to finish something. Wait, that's not completely true. I made a couple of dishrags. I made a baby cap and booties too. The booties don't match and will only fit on a giant one-footed baby, but the cap is cute. Right now, I'm knitting a blanket. I keep adding stitches where I shouldn't and have twice dropped it and lost stitches. Nevertheless, I persevere because I'm addicted. I can't stop knitting. I come home from work and knit the rest of the night. Dinners have been boring since I've started knitting. I want to knit all the time. Even when I'm tired of knitting, I still keep knitting. Which is probably the reason I keep messing up. I'm ODing on knitting. Is there a rehab for knitters?

As with all things novel and shiny, I suppose I will grow tired of knitting. It happened with furniture refinishing, locs, painting, reading, crocheting, golf, running, baking etc. I just hope I can actually finish something nice this time!

http://www.ravelry.com/people/BeckieKnitz

RIP Mike Starr

2011-03-09T10:02:00.000-05:00

Mike Starr, original bassist with Alice In Chains, died yesterday. Most recently, he was in Celebrity Rehab. During his season on CR, his life experience was particularly moving to me. He was the last person who was with AiC's lead vocalist, Layne Staley, days before his body was found. Addiction is a powerful, powerful thing.

What fascinates me about addiction is not the substance or habit that one is addicted to, it's the draw; that one's intelligence is saying, "the best thing I can do right now for myself is _____." That to me is what addiction is about. The actual substance, behavior, or habit is just the vehicle.

The cause of Starr's death is unknown at this time. I was so happy for him when he returned to CR. I'm sad he is gone.

In no particular order, my favorite Alice in Chains songs are listed below. I don't know if Mike played on all of these tracks before he was kicked out of the group. I haven't had a chance to check out the "new" AiC, with William DuVall. No dis, but Staley had a great rock voice.

Man in A Box
Them Bones
No Excuses
I Stay Away
Rooster

R.I.P. Mike!

End of the 2010 Recap

2011-01-14T16:38:00.014-05:00

I know I'm late in posting this, but so what...this is my blog. This is a list of my favorite/interesting/intriguing things I came across in 2010.

Books:
1. Trilogy: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played With Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Steig Larsson
2. Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

Music:
1. Moyenne
2. Sade, Soldier of Love
3. Erykah Badu
Honorable Mention: Kings of Leon - they continue to rock my uvula.

Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
1. Jersey Shore
2. Bridezillas
3. America's Next Top Model
Honorable Mention: Real World Road Rules: Gulag

Colors:
1. Orange...I can never get enough of you.
2. Olive...What can I say, you're loyal.
3. Blue...We used to be so close; glad you're making a come back.
Honorable Mention: White...sometimes good, sometimes meh.

Drink:
1. Chardonnay...you sexy bitch.
2. Water...we were doing much better together earlier in the year. What gives?

Foods:
1. Red onion...sauteed or raw, it's just not the same without you.
2. Dill...you scramble my eggs.
3. Leek...We need to get together more often.
Honorable mention: Fish...I just keep forgetting about you.

Movies:
1. See #1 in Books. All three! Swedish versions rock!
2. Harry Potter #6...Different, but tasty.
3. Avatar...AKA Pocahantas In Space.
Honorable mention: See #1 Movie.

TV Shows:
1. Sons of Anarchy
2. Luther...I hope Idris Elba stays away from any more stupid Hollywood/Perry movies.
3. True Blood
Honorable Mention: Community

Wish List:
1. iPad
2. Nook
3. Kindle Update: My daughter gave me this for my birthday. She's a keeper.
I don't care if they are all the same. I want them.

Triumphs:
1. Found a house closer to campus for a really good deal.
2. Craig's List

Losses:
1. This has been the year of me saying so long to people who considered me their friend, while they were never my friend. Over and out.
2. Akron Meditation Group. I miss you.

Falling back in love with going to work.

2011-01-13T16:37:00.003-05:00

Footprint trails of my babies who have already left for school. The snow is deep and needs shoveling. These prints make me smile.Their shoe sizes make me scowl.

I like this picture of the black squirrel running down the tree. This is a view of my backyard. These squirrels (tree rats) are amazing gymnasts. I can imagine one hell of an Olympic gymnastics contest between squirrels and chimpanzees.

This is the view down my driveway. I’m afraid to know what those drops are about. I think it’s antifreeze from my daughter’s car. Rather than shovel, I think I’m okay with smushing the snow down with my truck tires. Hmm, just had to add smushing to my dictionary. I think it should have already been there.

Here’s a nice view of my street. It’s a nice quiet side street. As far as I can tell, there is only one vacant house on the block; every other house is occupied primarily by older couples with no children, or younger couples with toddlers. There are two other black families on my street, but I’ve only met one person. He is twenty-something and drives the neighborhood ice cream truck in the summertime.

I don’t know anything about photography, but I do enjoy taking pictures, though mostly still life. I do remember some photo techniques from my grade school art teacher, Sr. Geraldine. It was something about thirds. Anyway, I just want to play at it for a while before I crack open a book about it. The siding on my house has faded horribly in the sun, resulting in a gross shade of brown, hence the sepia. There is much I hate about this house architecturally speaking. My deepest hatred is for the oddly sized shutters and the scalloping hanging from the useless triangle. You can’t really tell here, but the icicles on either side of the house are massive. They look very Ice Age-y. This is not a good thing. Nevertheless, I really like this photo.

So back to the walking. I like the pattern of tire tracks here. People going this way and that; evidence of the busyness of life.

Even though it says ‘St’, I use ‘Drive’. Why? Because I think Valleyview Drive has a nicer ring to it.

They don’t call my town ‘Tree City’ for nothing.

Tree City Residents use many of transportation. It would have been nice to have someone walking in this shot. As I was walking a biker rode across the street. I put up my camera, but he crossed before I could get the shot. Fortunately, a second biker happened along right on time!

Today probably wasn’t the best day to wear liquid eye liner. But I’m glad that was the only thing running down my face. I like the blurriness of the scarf in contrast to the un-blurriness of my head. I love the colors in that scarf! What's the photography term for un-blurriness? No, I don't mean focus!

Morning traffic. There isn’t much to this photo, except for the plume of smoke in the background. I also wanted to get a shot of the snow falling to the ground. I love snow fall. I hate snow landing.

Ha ha! See how I cleverly edited the name of the institution? If I had time, I’d get rid of the stop signs.

One thing I rarely ever do when I’m on campus is sit outside. I don’t know why. There are a lot of attractive spaces to have lunch, read a book or have a friendly chat. With someone else, not by yourself. Or is that implied? I like the esiness of this photo.


I’m not a bird watcher. In fact, I sort of hate them. I hate them because they scare me. But I do like to look at them. I’m a bird looker.

Almost there. The tall building is the library; twelve stories. I’m uphill and I think that’s why it looks short. I love the dis-proportionality here.

And we've reached the end of our scenic morning stroll to the office. Now it is time to make the donuts! Thanks for walking with me!

Living All Alone - Phyllis Hyman ( 1986 )

2011-01-06T22:34:00.000-05:00

You Look Like Shit

2010-12-10T15:29:00.000-05:00

Next time I go to the movies, I will be keeping count.

Chris Rocks.

2010-12-09T15:20:00.000-05:00

Word of the Moment: INTERESTION

2010-12-06T15:40:00.000-05:00

From the tales of Online Dating, we have a new feature, Word of the Day. Today's word is INTERESTION. Here's an example:

WELL I CONSIDER MY SELF INTERESTION SO WHAT R U LOOKING FOR ONE TO CHAT WIT OR ONE TO MEET WITH

Also to be noted in today's lesson, the word myself can be written as two words and punctuation is a lifestyle choice. Don't judge.

Haiku of the Year

2010-12-02T14:19:00.001-05:00

It's time to move it

It's time to move it, move it

It's time to move it!

Lyrics from some song I can't remember the name of.

What does the world need from me in 2011?

2010-12-01T14:19:00.000-05:00

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Howard Thurman.

Someone in my old meditation group posed the question when considering what occupation she wanted to pursue. The discussion was loosely based on virtuous careers (if there is such a thing), and how to balance between living a peaceful life and existing in the real world. I'm struggling in my present job because it seems so unnecessary and redundant. Simply put, I find it boring. But then as I say to my son, "if you're bored, it's because you are the one who is boring." I need to find a new way to conceptualize my work.

So today, I stumble across this quote from Howard Thurman. I'd never heard of him before, which was a surprise to me. When I was growing up, my parents were determined to instill cultural awareness throughout our home. My mother made sure we never missed a Jet, Ebony, Right On! or Essence when I was growing up. My father made sure we had the Call & Post every Thursday, which is still today Ohio's leading black newspaper. I'm sure I read something of him, but it didn't stick. According to the always reliable Wikipedia, Mr. Thurman was an influential American author, philosopher, theologian, educator and civil rights leader. I thought what does the world need was a big question. But now I think what makes me come alive is so much bigger and way more relevant.

Off the top of my head what makes me come alive is being creative. Being creative, thinking creatively, repairing or building, cooking, reading, learning are all things that make me feel engaged and plugged in. Recently, I've been really frustrated with the buildup of dog hair in the house. My vacuum didn't seem to be picking up all of the hair. I would find myself on my hands and knees with masking tape trying to remove the excess hair the vacuum just rolled right over. Considering the entire house except the kitchen and baths are carpeted, you can imagine how frustrated I was. Especially since my vacuum is a Bissell Animal Carpet Vac. I bought it for the express purpose of keeping my dog. It was really discouraging. That Dyson jerk kept popping up in my head, but I refuse to give him $500 dollars because he likes his balls.

Now with the holidays, I felt really ashamed to have folks come for a visit. I decided to take a look at the vacuum; broken belt, clogged filters, duh!! Off to the big blue box, spend $25 bucks, tinker, tinker, crack, fix...brand new-live vacuum!! Ta-da!! I was so happy, I vacuumed every inch of carpet I could find. I was genuinely proud of myself for doing what I should have done anyway. Very simple task, but it affected the quality of life in my home. Or maybe just in my mind. But to me it's the same difference. And the dog stays.

So now I figure I need to really focus on activities and projects that give me the same results. I think this is much more interesting than trying to save the world or finding what makes me happy. The vacuum really is irrelevant. Creativity is my fuel.

Make my funk the P-Funk.

2010-11-09T17:20:00.000-05:00

If George Clinton and Bootsy Collins are the only names you know from Funkadelic, shame on you. Eddie Hazel's short-lived career must be televised. His guitar riffs are no joke; I could file this post under Are You Shittn' Me?

Check out this bio from Pandora. O.M.G.
From the Bottom of My Heart, California Dream'n and most of all, Maggot Brain are just sick (in a good way).

I hope to find the vinyl version of this. It's got to be a collector's piece. Reminds me of this.

Psycho-iTune of the Moment: Glory Box

2010-11-08T12:39:00.000-05:00

I don't know about anyone else, but when I get a song in my head, I listen to it over and over and over again. It's like every time I hear it, I'm almost tempted to replay it again before the song is even over. Cannot get enough. Then suddenly, I'm off stalking another song.

My recent song stalking list:

The Moon and The Sky - Sade
Out of My Mind, Just In Time - Erykah Badu (I blogged about it here.)
I Get So Lonely - Hidden Beach (instrumental version)

My new victim is Glory Box by Portishead. I've heard this song before, but for some reason it really grabbed me this time. I'm not big on electropop, but this song is more trip than electro. The lyrics are freaking amazing. I love what she does vocally. The tension is palpable and gravitating.

Hmmm, looking over my recent stalk list, I seem to think there's a theme afoot. It all goes back to The Moon and The Sky. More on this later.

Are U Shittn' Me? A Review of Al B. Sure's Honey I'm Home

2010-11-08T11:55:00.000-05:00

Today we have a new blog feature, Are U Shittn' Me? This category will feature news, events, etc. I find unbelievable that people do, don't do, buy, don't buy, own, believe or recognize.

First up is my review on Al B's latest; Honey I'm Home. I also posted this review on Amazon.

I wish I knew how to really break down how powerful this CD is. I grew up on R&B, but lately, I've resented most entertainers who claim to represent this genre. The songwriting and musical arrangement has been too formulaic, too sophomoric, too ridiculous for serious consideration from me. That said, I am indeed a music snob. I'm one to read liner notes, take note of which performers actually write, produce and arrange their music. I'm not a musician at all, but I am an artist and I respect creativity and craft. Real craft.

That said, like a few of the other reviews, I can't decide which song is my favorite. I've been psycho-listening to this CD all day. It is that tight. First off, the instrumentation is wonderfully refreshing. I don't hear the typical arrangements; before the song begins my feet are tapping and my head is bobbing.

Now, getting to the lyrics. Just sheer romance, seduction, and humor. Al and the gang have put together some very, very clever songs that tell stories, not just verses and refrains. I don't know if there are videos out yet, but really when you hear these songs you can close your eyes and let Al's singing put the picture in your mind.

You can't call it R&B without some deep breathy whispers, seductive talking and a few woos here and there. Al manages to pull this off without being cheesy, overbearing or just plain eww. Can you whisper in a classy way? Al can. He sings effortlessly and meaningfully. I don't doubt that these songs mean something to him. I love the background harmonies, which are not always where you might expect them. He's really put together a package that ought to blow the charts up, but we know quality is not always recognized and respected by the masses. Hence, why I am writing this review. You will not regret the purchase of this CD.

Fragile is such a touching and poignant rendition to the Sting classic. He also covers Lady in My Life. Al makes these his own songs, full of admiration and passion.

The CD is love instruction 101. How to treat a lover, how to be a man, how to build a relationship, and what not to do to tear it down. Keep in mind, humor is all over this too. He doesn't take all this romance-y stuff to seriously, as evidenced in Top of Your Lungs (I'm right here!).

If you're looking for the club song, that would be Whatcha Got. I'll admit I un-checked this song on the playlist; but I'm a romantic purist and this just didn't do it for me. Don't let that stop you. This whole CD is perfect.

My best to Al B. Sure, Kyle West and Hidden Beach!

Comics say it best.

2010-10-29T05:15:00.002-04:00

I found these images here. I love them. I feel like they were created just for me.

I wonder how can I get these as bumper stickers?

Blind in one eye, can't see out the other. or My last date.

2010-10-28T18:01:00.105-04:00

Something occurred awhile back that made me stop and re-evaluate my dating checklist. I realized that at the age of 41, almost 42 in a few weeks, I need to add another category to my list, or at the very least, expand on #3)Active, healthy lifestyle.

This now needs to include Able-bodied, and able to have an active and healthy lifestyle (for a long time to come).

I've been a caregiver for most of my adult life for my parents. I've assisted my family in take care of my grandparents, and I have two kids and a dog. I watched my mother and her two sisters devote huge amounts of time toward making their parents comfortable and well-cared for.So I don't say this lightly. I have no desire to care for a potential partner. None. Is that discriminatory? Yes, but it's my choice and I'm sticking to it.

Last year, I had a string of blind dates (who knew one would be literally blind) with men who had some kind of disability. Not an injury, not an illness but an out-and-out handicap. Now, granted we met through dating websites, but I prided myself on spending a good chunk of time weeding out the losers by talking extensively over the phone (even though I hate to), emailing back and forth and chatting before I agree to meet in person. To me, that's the opportunity to let someone know about a physical impairment, particularly one such as, hmm, blindness or deafness? Is that really asking for too much?

I kid you not, this man was blind in one eye, and could not see out the other. He had one glass eye and the other one kept leaking. I don't know why I stayed for the whole date; I think I just had to see how it was going to end up. It was like watching an episode of Girlfriends, except I was in the show at the same time. I could totally see Joan trying to make the date work, even though they were having dinner at a sports bar, and her date couldn't see the screen. WTF.

But that isn't even the worst part. There are several. He proceeds to tell me he eats no vegetables. Ever. He also never drinks water. Ever. Unless it's Kool-aid. I noticed two men walking back and forth outside in front of the restaurant. They came in after a while and sat close, glancing over every once in a while. It took me a while to figure out they were with Stevie Wonder. Eventually one stands up to go to the bathroom and Stevie's sonar must have picked up on him. He calls him over and introduces me to his friend and the second one comes over too. They were Stevie's chauffeur and sidekick, though I don't know if those titles were official. They proceeded to tell Stevie how attractive I was, even though I'm still sitting there. This makes me wonder (haha) how much of me can Stevie see though the leaky eye. I ask cuz I figure that's not rude; one needs to know this. He says to me in a smarmy old man kind of way, "enough to know I like what I'm looking at." Oh really, are you sure? I think all he can see is a cuddly chocolate blur with locks. Not unlike Snuggle or a character from Fraggle Rock. I would have liked to see him pick me out of a lineup between the rejected mop from the Swiffer commercials and Whoopi Goldberg.

Why didn't he reveal this stupidity online? Oh, I know, because I didn't ask the right and specific question. Silly me. Are you a camel? The braille type they have on elevator buttons and ATMs; do you use that? It seems like the glass eye would leak, not the good one; why is that?Can't they plug it up?

When he learned I had attended a catholic high school, his next question to me was if I had kids by a white man. I don't know how or why that connection happened in his mind, or where he was going with it or if I was even offended. It's hard to contemplate absurdity. I mean, if I said yes, would he have ended the date? How would he even know if my kids were mixed or not? Anyway, I was too busy trying not to be grossed out by the leaky eye. And the broken front tooth. Then I wondered if he knew the tooth was broke because it was on the side with the glass eye.

Now here comes more foolishness. He suggested we have a second date. At the movies. How close would we have to sit I wondered. When I close one eye for a long time, it hurts. Does it work that way with you? As I'm contemplating why I'm still there, and if he can pop out the glass eye and stick his finger up his nose and out the socket (I saw that once on Japanese game show), he then asks if I would carry a purse for him to the movies. He explains how he cobbled a purse into a beer bag, so he could enjoy a six-pack while ~~watching~~ ~~sitting~~ ~~looking~~ ~~viewing~~ being at the movies. Do women really do this for you, I ask. He says yea, why not? And then I realized, if I went to the movies with a blind date, on a blind date, I'd need a beer purse too.

Beer purse

They say you can't change bone structure

2010-10-28T17:04:00.001-04:00

Dorry & Miley's mother

Am I right or what? Huh, huh??

Haiku of the moment.

2010-08-23T22:47:00.000-04:00

I have to go with

the feeling that flows within

or else I'll dry up.

One Role Actors

2010-08-19T11:25:00.002-04:00

I got this idea from theFrisky. They were on point about the stars who seem to only play themselves on the silverscreen; Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson, Matt McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, etc. Honestly, I don't know how some of these folks can call themselves actors. And while Michael Cera and Sandra Bullock have overstayed their welcome in the NerdCom and RomCon genres (dare I call them genres?), each can hold their own as talented actors. I have been in fanluv with Ryan Reynolds since this. I think we have yet to see his full-range, but he can play himself anyday. I can't wait to see him in this or this.

So theFrisky's list included actors who can actually act. If that's the premise, then you could add DeNiro, Washington and a few other big Hollywood ballers to that list. I contend however, that true One Rolers CAN'T act AND, they don't care.

Beckie's List of Awful/One Role Actors by Category

Wooden Actors or

Geppetto's Best Work

1. Bokeem Woodbine. I don't know what Holly Hunter was thinking when she put in Saving Grace.

2. Jada Pinkett Smith. I want to like her. But she won't let me. Because she does stuff like this. I did like Wicked Wisdom...too bad it was a commercial flop.

Honorable Mention: Mechh-khi Phifer, Omar Epps, Dylan McDermott, Malcolm Jamal-Warner, Keanu Reaves and, no doubt, Kristen Stewart.

The Obvious or

One is How They Role

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Jessica Alba, Owen Wilson. I still don't know why JA is famous. What was she in?? I imagine that all of Katie's scripts are written in crayon on paper like this.

Women/Men like me...that's all I need

Allan Payne

Cameron Diaz

Megan Fox

Boris Kodjoe (I'm sorry, but y'all know it's true)

Hill Harper (he gets the Scooby Doo sound)

Ahh, I luv Scooby. I'm sure there will be updates to this post. I'll have to post something on actors Hollywood seems to be sleeping on later.

My new ride

2010-08-19T08:55:00.001-04:00

Here's my new ride! A lovely red beach cruiser! Don't you just love those white walls! I picked this up from my beloved CL, along with another bike for the boy. Two new-to-us bikes for $100! The boy and I are planning to repaint his bike because the colors are too girly for him.

I don't know what bike design genius thought of making the spring pink, but he (it could only be a he) should be slapped. That shitty blue is bad enough.

I rode the cruiser to work today...and boy, is my fat out of shape! There is one small incline that felt like the Everest summit. I made it up most of the way, but fortunately an intersection and a red light kindly gave me an excuse to quit panting and rest a bit.

I need to adjust the handle bars and it could use a paint job, but right now, I'm happy with the cruiser the way it is! All it needs is a basket and some streamers!

The Witness is Excused.

2010-07-09T16:18:00.000-04:00

Talk-show sensation RJ Stevens, a self-help guru dispensing his "Team of Me" philosophy to millions of adoring fans, is presently serving as PR Manager to one LBJ.

Formerly of ESPN and NBC, asshole sports reporter impersonator, Jim Gray, serves as the Frost to LBJ's Nixon. It is allegedly reported that J-schools all over the country are quickly developing courses for journalism students to learn how to ask nothing in 18 questions.

Cavs majority owner Dan Gilbert, broke out the crayolas to write this letter to his former king.

The children who were in attendance at The ~~Debacle~~ Decision, were given gift bags of VitaminWater and old Cavs jerseys. Several of the children thought they would be fed. They weren't.

Some of the advertising revenue was donated to the Boys & Girls Club of America. These funds will be used to develop educational programs to teach kids that quitting is really not that bad.

Women in Comedy (Part 1)

2010-07-02T15:08:00.001-04:00

One of my all-time favorite comedians is Marsha Warfield. I always thought she was way funnier than most people gave her credit for. She strikes me as one of those people who is usually the smartest person in the room, and thoroughly bored with the rest of us. Most of her counterparts still haven't caught up to her IMO.

I'm ~~taking~~ auditing a class by the same name as this post (minus the part 1 part). The final project is to research and present on (insert title here). My focus is on black female stand-ups. That seems to be the toughest gig in ~~comedy~~ entertainment. I'd like to see a white man try to pull that off.

The instructor asked us to look for black female comics between 1950 and 1970. Don't say Moms Mabley! Here's what I turned up:

Shirley Hemphill
LaWanda Page
Marsha Warfield

Now before you say, "But Beck, Shirley was on 'What's Happening?' and LaWanda was on 'Sanford and Son.'" Well, you should know both ladies got their start in AND stayed with stand-up. LaWanda played clubs everywhere. Did you know she was heralded as the Black Queen of Comedy? Funny, I don't remember that being mentioned in this train wreck. She was also an exotic dancer...go 'head Aunt Esther!

I contacted ~~several~~ one comedian whose site I came across while ~~surfing the net~~ diligently conducting my research. Leighann Lord was kind enough to respond to my query, mentioning Moms, Marsha and Shirley. She also listed Roxie Roker and Marla Gibbs as comedic actresses. Now, to be honest, I wouldn't call myself a huge fan of the Jeffersons (I hated Lionel #2), or 227, but I did honor my membership as a card-carrying Black girl by watching those shows anyway. I just couldn't see Helen being attracted to Tom?! Eww. More on black comedic actresses later. My research focuses on the stand-up.

Happily, Ms. Warfield is still around. She's tweeting and FBing her butt off, in her quest for Queen of America. I hope she starts blogging, if she isn't already. Her writing is sharp, witty, correct and hilarious. Check this out here.

Note to Ms.Warfield: I'm such a fan of yours, I've gotten back together with Kofe. Albeit a FB-With-Benefits situation, so he doesn't try to overwhelm me with a bunch of poking and shoving and shitty computer games. This time, it's FB booty calls only.

If you know of any black female stand-up comics, between 1950 and 1970, please leave a comment. More to come on Women in Comedy! In the meantime, check out Marsha roasting Tommy Chong!

Beckie had a breakup.

2010-07-02T15:04:00.000-04:00

Part of the reason I was away from blogging for so long, is that I was in a stifling, one-sided relationship. Now that I'm out, I can't even remember what the attraction was about. My significant other, let's call him Kofe Cabo, for anonymity, somehow managed to manipulate all my time, whether I was at work, home, socializing with friends (in real life), at the doctor's office or even in traffic.

It got to the point where Kofe could get a hold of me anywhere. I should have realized things were headed in a wrong direction, when he began suggesting friends to me. At first, I was really flattered and excited! How cool it was to get reacquainted with long lost friends! But then I realized, hey, I don't really like some of these people that much, and they probably don't really like me either. That's probably why we didn't stay in touch in the first place. I think we all just got in over our heads.

But each time I connected with one friend, I wanted another and another! Kofe made it so easy. He even introduced me to people I barely knew, and before I realized it, they became my friends too! I became really confused. I would click through photos of people I didn't even know, just because I could. I'd make comments to complete strangers...again, just because I could. It was weird. It was like being trapped in some weird elevator and pretending you know everyone inside. I read updates of people I would never talk to, not because I didn't like them, but I just didn't know them! Things really started to spiral downward when FB started getting physical. He would poke me for no reason at all.

He made it so easy for me to lose myself to old addictions. I could manage my flair habit in the 80s; back then everybody was into it, so no big deal, right?. But, Kofe showed me how to make it myself--I'd spend hours searching for and taking other people's flair or stealing images for my own. I'd find myself sitting in the dark, arranging flair on my corkboard. Thank God I never tried anything stronger like Farmville or Bubbletown.

It was when the power when out during a rainstorm that I knew I had a problem. The cable went out and my phone app didn't show all the updates. And I was jonesing...jonesing bad for an update. I drove like a bat out of hell to the library. What was everyone doing? I had to know, I just had to know!!

It was then I realized I had to quit and fast. Working all day in front of a computer, there would be no step-down, no Kofethadone. It was unplug and stay unplugged. Forever.

Four weeks Mr. Kofe Cabo and I'm never going back. Like I said before, I can't even remember what the attraction was about.

Today's mood is...

2010-06-29T12:14:00.001-04:00

"I'm a recovering undercover over-lover 
recovering from a love I can't get over...

...20 feet out of ashes I can rise 
Just like birds and children 
I can fly 
And I'll take my phoenix flight 
And you can't take mine..."  

Erykah Badu is a musical enigma. She satisfies and surprises me at every lyrical turn. She is both wise and arrogant beyond her years; and neither descriptive is meant as a compliment or an insult. These are the facts with Ms. Badu, as far as I'm concerned.

Merriman-Webster defines arrogance as,

"an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions."

She has skills and a talent for expression that is difficult for me to fully appreciate. I stretch and grow when I listen to her music. She's one of those artists like, Prince, Lee Daniels, Whoopi and a handful of others, who expects (or demands) full engagement as part of the artwork or knowledge gained. You cannot listen to or view a piece of work from any of the aforementioned and not have your soul stirred. They are the few who really seem to understand the effect they have AND have the dexterity, tenacity, and focus to manage it well.

I plan to post more about my thoughts on these and other artists and this truly unique talent in the coming weeks and months. In the meantime, if you have not heard this song, "Out My Mind, Just In Time"...please to enjoy.

"...Round and round I seem to go 
always had the antidote 
looking for the Holy Ghost 
Found him in the missing note 
sinking in a holy boat 
Round and round 
I seem to go... 

...guess it's time to grab a coat
evolution time to grow
Ego trying to block the door
Might not have nowhere to go
I finally got a leading role
introducing super dope
Staring in her episode
Hello, new world
out my mind."

Arrangement by: Erykah Badu // Lyrics by: Erykah Badu//Inspired by Suheir Hammad's poem “WHAT I WILL”

Merry Trismus!

2010-06-25T12:00:00.001-04:00

Happy Solstice! A few days ago...anyway. So, this being the six months before I have another birthday, it's time to account for my progress on a few goals o' mine.

Weight loss: I lost 15 lbs. over the Christmas holiday! Unfortunately, I found most of them again this spring.
Finances: I'm happy to report my finances are in order! The same order they were when I dumped all my bills in a laundry basket and tossed it in the back of my closet.
Career: I am still gainfully employed. Today. Tomorrow's probably a lockdown too.
Children: My daughter is now older than my car. Fortunately I don't have a car note though. What I do have is a 16 year old mall rat. Not much difference there.
Friends & Family: I am surrounded by loving, caring people. Please send help.
Health: I recently broke a tooth and had a temporary crown put in. I now have trismus. It's nothing like Christmas. Nothing.at.all.

Beckie has a secret. Kinda ish...

2010-06-24T16:54:00.000-04:00

mk, well you know about this site PostSecret? If you don't, click here, but remember to come back. Now for the rest of us who don't live under rocks, I have to say that while I like the concept, I just don't have the time to go get a postcard, redecorate it, write out the secret and mail the card. I really don't think my secrets are all the interesting...they sorta time-out, they're rather mundane compared to this.

But, if I had the time, an old Sears catalog, scissors and magic markers, here are some of the things I would send in:

I saw you yesterday but I didn't speak to you. Your stupid wig scared me.
I love watching you sleep. Why can't you be that quiet when you're awake?
I think all Asians who work at Asian restaurants own them. I don't think this about any other ethnicity. Am I the only one?
I can wait for my kids to get old enough so I can get them drunk. I think that will be hilarious.

Beckie returns.

2010-06-17T17:39:00.000-04:00

And we're back.
Didn't plan on taking such a long break from blogging, but my home laptop died i had to walk my dog i've been exercising and gaining weight i was sick and then I got better ring bills came and they are still here while the money ring ring does a drive-by every two weeks and do kids really have to eat so much i just bought those shoes they can't be too small what is that ringing am i the maid or the mother stop the ringing i can't tell i need a life not this one let's go out somewhere that's not too far or too crowded or too loud but not dull with a bar but not rowdy or pretentious with food fuck the diet and no i'm not here everything on the menu is fried yuck but not too expensive i'm sleepy get a movie i never watch the whole thing why i do have cable if i still rent movies cost alot and not that good enough for now it's late fees on library books i owe twenty bucks and didn't finish it is due tomorrow and i'm not close to done.

but i think i'm close enough.

Life: The way I see it..(in my mind).

2010-03-16T14:11:00.005-04:00

Found: http://finelinedesign.tumblr.com/

Happy New Year!!

2009-12-31T15:58:00.004-05:00

"As we end this year, there is a wonderful gift that awaits us: deep peace. Bring into your conscious awareness the ways that you have been guided, supported, loved and propelled forward.

Anchor in oneness. Inhale the unconditional love of pure Spirit and exhale the quietude of the eternal God. Relax into the arms of your beloved God and listen...listen to the stillness. There is nothing to do. There is nothing to get. There is only God. In this place, deep peace will bring you rest."

Science of Mind

41 vs. 21

2009-12-22T19:03:00.001-05:00

This post was also inspired by Nora of Walking in the Rain. If I could have talked with my 21 year old self, I'm sure I wouldn't have listened, but I think I would have at least appreciated the effort.

21: I don't want to be married. I don't want kids. I just want a nice condo and a dog.

41: Having kids was the best gift I didn't ask for. Being a mother has made me a better person. But it's hard work. So is having a dog. Marriage can be a beautiful thing, if you're with the right person for the right reasons. Don't marry someone you wouldn't want your child to marry.

21: I want to make alot of money.

41: I want to make alot of money.

21: I graduate from college in 1990. I move home to live with my mother, while I attempt to find a job outside of the field of education. I never wanted to teach, so I decided to forgo the student teaching component and graduate early.

41: Do the student teaching. Spend another semester in school and finish the program in its entirety. You're going to go back and finish it later. Get it out of the way. Moving home was smart.

21: I have a full-time job, my own place and a college degree. I am the sh*t!

41: I have a full-time job, my own place and 2 college degrees. Big damn deal.

21: My idea of a great date was going to breakfast after the the club. Wanna use this coupon? What's your name again?

41: A good date? Going someplace like a gallery or for a walk at a park. Experiential, cheap, active. I can watch a movie at home.

21: Hair: Major issue. I spend on average $60 to $80 bucks a month getting my hair done. It takes anywhere from 3.5 to 6 hours in the salon. My hair color changes with the seasons.

41: Hair: Non-issue. I have locks. I twist them myself...no more salon. I spend $5 to $25 bucks every 3 months. Takes about 2 hours from start to finish if I use a dryer. Less time if I let my hair air dry. Hair color? Too much commitment. I'm grey and I'm proud! Except for down...umm, not.gonna.happen.

21: In the immortal words of Wilma & Betty...CHARGE IT!!

41: Cash and carry...the only way to fly!

21: Drink all night, go to work the next day...what hangover??

41: Drink for 20 minutes...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Did I get hit with a brick?

21: Shopping with my girls for "hoe" gear, high heels and lingerie.

41: Amazon.com, stretchy jeans, and high heels! (Oh, I'm not going down without a fight)

21: Hi, random stranger. You're cute, here's my phone number, pager and address.

41: Please submit a vial of blood, your resume, 3 references and your fingerprints. May I see your driver's license? Your mother's maiden name? Let me google you first, then I'll call. Maybe.

December Haiku

2009-12-22T15:45:00.005-05:00

December is here.
My craving is quiet now.
My needs are fulfilled.

December Recap

2009-12-22T12:30:00.012-05:00

Nora writes an engaging and witty blog, called Walking in the Rain. Being the list lover I am, I really liked her monthly recaps. I think it's a great way to cross off accomplishments, failures, to-dos, so-ons, and stuff-like-that-there.

Here's the way December has shaped up for me:

Books:
Turning the Mind Into An Ally
The Complete Book of Sewing
8 Ways to Avoid Probate
What the Buddha Taught
Good to Great for Nonprofit Sectors

Music:
Nikki Minaj
Kings of Leon
Robin Thicke
Random Christmas music

Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
For the Love of Ray J (don't judge)

Colors:
Orange & olive

Obsessions:
Fit Challenge
Facebook (friend me!)

Drink:
Water, water, water...glub, glub, glub
Rooibos Tea

Foods:
Leek
Kale

Movie:
The Killing Room (someone please explain the end...I was with it until the very last scene!)

TV Show:
Right now, I'm in TV purgatory. Waiting for the new season to start.

Wish-List:
Movado Ono ring...drool

Triumphs:
Not drinking.
Getting up at 4:30 AM to workout 3 days a week.
Drastically improving my diet.
Extending my meditation practice to 20 minutes daily.

Irritants:
The mess in my daughter's room.
Selling my dad's house.

Goals:
End the month in the black.
Pay rent on time.
Stick with Fit Challenge.
Rejoin Akron Meditation Group.

Craft: Sewing
A hat to fit my locks
Boys' pajamas

Indulgences:
Peppermint Patties (just kidding FC spies)
Being a grown@ss woman!
Buying bras that fit really well

Excitement:
The kids are spending a few days with their dad this Christmas. I'm looking forward to the down time!

Mood:
Very happy
Satisfied

Beckie is on the air.

2009-12-22T12:08:00.004-05:00

Hi, I'm Beckie Samuel, here with today's InnerBlog News. This morning we find the Electronic Village has a new post in which yours truly makes a brief appearance in a clip promoting the Blogging While Brown Conference. I'm am proud to say I was a recipient of a New Blogger scholarship for last year's conference in Chicago. I must admit, I was completely starstruck (and thoroughly exhausted) during the whole conference.

After deciding to attend at the very last minute(shout out to Sweeta for encouraging me), I rode the Megabus from Cleveland to Chicago. I got there early Chicago Saturday morning, so you can understand why I look so whupped. Like a dummy, I didn't bring a camera, so I have no pics of my own to share. I'm still trying to digest everything I learned there. I'm definitely planning to attend the 2010 conference in DC.

Here's a link to the clip (I'm at 4:35 for you uber-fans). If you're a blogger, you'll want to try to make it to the conference. You'll be amazed at the welcome and information you'll receive. If you're thinking about starting a blog, this is a great way to gather ideas about what you want to feature. I'm going to use this holiday break to further refine my focus here on this blog, and maybe set up another one. We'll see how that goes.

What a great birthday present!!

Crazy really, REALLY is the new sane.

2009-12-21T16:48:00.004-05:00

Ok, so it's now Week 2, Day 4 of the 6th grade gym class for this overweight, die-hard GenXr. And guess what? I.am.hooked. These nutty broads are definitely onto something. I really can't believe I doubted their Shaolin technique!

I've lost 6 pounds after 3 days of a cardio routine Jillian Michaels would be proud of! Not to mention, I've ~~mostly~~ followed their diet plan to a T. So, technically, I dropped six ell bees in less than 7 days!!

Now, I'm drinking water like a fish, I'm up and at 'em (who ever they are) at 4:30 AM, 3 days a week. Remember my quest to quit sugar? Almost there...I'd say about 80%, which is good enough for me. I've never been much of a meat eater, so that's not a problem for me. But I have been re-introduced to seafood. Last week, I had Orange Roughy and that was the yummers!

There is a lockdown on how much I can say about who they are and what they do, and I really, really don't want them mad at me, so I ain't spilling the green beans! But I will say I am glad I am able to appreciate the "crazy" they have for whupping folks in shape! I am ret' to go!!

Coming up next: 2010...what the plan is..huh?

...but that's what I was thinking.

2009-12-17T12:25:00.011-05:00

I know I'm not the only one who has mental arguments with people. Everybody does. But one thing that may be a bit troubling about me is that my arguments usually involve people I don't know. Random strangers. In fact, I could be having an argument with you right now. But you would never know, cuz I'd never let you in on it. So take that! I win so'more!

Today's cerebral bruhaha happened this morning in the new gym I recently joined. I won't mention it here because they have a sucky website, and I don't link to sucky sites. They also have a, umm...shall we say, different approach to exercise and motivation. Think back to the crazy militant ~~gym~~ physical education teacher you had in grade school. Ok, then, remember how teams where chosen? All the fast and popular kids first? Now, you're getting the idea...

So, we're working out in our groups; I'll call the top group, Superfast, the middle group, Average Janes, and the bottom group, the YouCanDoIts. So, the drill instructor/trainer calls Superfast and Average Janes to line up at their stations. This being my second day, I'm waiting with the rest of the newbies for Ms. Balbriker to tell the YouCanDoIts to go to their station. Someone from Superfast (I hope you're saying this the way Mary Katherine Gallagher would say it) pipes up, "What are you guys waiting for?"

Sideye, beyotch, I got this!

So as I'm going to the loser section, Ms. B tells me to join the Average Janes. Clearly, she noticed my ninja-like moves on my first day. And so begins the ~~gruesome torture~~ exercise.

We step-lift our way around and around in three groups; you can smell fat-burning going on. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a Superfast walking around idly like she's the equivalent of Allen Iverson (practice? I don't need no stinking practice!). Ms. B ~~gently admonishes~~ yells for her to get moving and stop wasting time. Eventually Iverson rejoins the group, but she isn't quite working at the regular Superfast pace. This butt-dragging, I-can't-be-so-bothered *ish goes on for a while...and when I say a while, I mean all of about 2 minutes and then...

Balbriker benches Iverson! In my mind, that is. Actually Ms. B sent Iverson to the Average Janes. I think there was some trash talk, or eye rolling, cuz it took a minute for Iverson to get herself together. I couldn't tell because my heart was trying to escape from my body. Now I gotta deal with a pissed off AI and keep my ribs from exploding all over my step. Not to mention I have COUNT. OUT LOUD. IN ORDER.

As I've mentioned, this is my second day. I'm still a bit overwhelmed ~~that I paid money for this shit~~ as I attempt to follow the choreography. One misstep could cause a sweaty musty chain reaction, which could leave you screaming out the door for a Purell shower. But what's this? Is AI trying to punk me? Is she trying to look like this is so easy she can barely break a sweat? I feel like my swagger is in jeopardy...what to do?

She starts moving closer behind me like I'm moving too slow for her...

Aww sooky, we past the sideye now! It's on!!!!!

And suddenly, as if Jesus stuck his foot out, AI trips as we go around to the left! Our eyes meet; she knows I know she almost busted 'dat ass! Now she gotta save face, so I know she's coming for me when we switch to the right...

bah-ring. it. bitch!

Calling on my latent ninja training, I am able to recharge immediately by remembering all the times I was called on last for dodge ball and Red Rover (stupid fuckin' games! Who invented that shit?)

My reflexes kick in and I make my steps wider and higher and faster like Jamie Sommers.
Besides, I hate when people stand directly behind me..it creeps me out.

New set...LEFT!

Uh oh, my turn! I heard ya calling me AI, now I'm coming! I got the rhythm down (I think) and I'm hauling ass across the steps. Come creeping up on me? Yeah? I don't think so...how's that? I'm right behind you AND I'm simultaneously counting! HA!

New set...RIGHT!

AI is trying to play like she doesn't know what's going on between us, but I know that she knows. Just because she looks completely ambivalent to the mental battle between us; it's really just a ploy to make me simmer down. But I won't have it! I will triumph!

New set...LEFT!

Ninja skills are weakening...apparently there is a lift under the floor that makes the steps higher as you go (very clever you heartless bastards), but I'm not done yet...

The mental warfare quickens as I imagine her saying to her Superfast buddies after class...

AI: "Yeah, I couldn't really get a good workout on over there in the MomJeans group."

Me: "Bullshit!"

AI: "Wha the..who said.."

Me: "Yeah, I said it."

AI: (Gives me the WTF look), then says, "f*ck you!"

Me: "Well, you can f*ck my fat ass if you want to, but if I were you, I'd wait a few more weeks!"

Superfast, AverageJanes, YouCanDoIts all fall on the floor laughing.

Me: Winks at AI and walks out the door.

Now, that didn't really happen, but that's what I was thinking!

This is what I do

2009-12-11T12:52:00.001-05:00

Inside my brain, I have my very own comedy club. The audience is filled with me, I'm the host and the star performer. I serve drinks, collect tips, and Sarah Palin takes out the trash. Or is the trash. That part is fuzzy.

My Amazon Reading Wish List for 2010:

I Should Have Listened Mama by Usher & Whitney Houston

You CAN Have It All: Father Other Women's Children While Maintaining Your Marriage by Bill Cosby, John Edwards. Forward written by Rev. Jesse Jackson. Book tour coming to a hotel near you. So keep it warm baby.

Fall Back In Love With Your Wife: After The F*ck Up (an anthology) contributors include Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Dave Letterman and Tiger Woods. Kobe Bryant, editor

Speaking of trash, I read somewhere (my notebook), that Sarah considered other titles for her (cough) book:

Caribou For The Soul

15 Minutes: How Make It Last

My Campaign: If You Can Call It That

The Art of Denial In 10 Easy Steps

Dreams of My Father: He Wanted A Boy

I think I can, I think I can...almost maybe...perhaps...close enough.

2009-11-25T11:35:00.003-05:00

This is my word count so far.

Today is the first day of Verify & Win for Nanowrimo 2009. I'm only halfway through with less than a week to go. But I'm off for the next few days, and most of my pages are handwritten. I feel more creative and inspired when I write in longhand (I bet my kids have no idea what that means.)

This will be one hot mess of a novel. Paragraphs are disconnected and out of order. Major typos are everywhere. But I don't care. All I want is to say I finished. And to post the winner badge on Facebook. Yep, I aim low. Works for me.

Beckie is a thespian.

2009-10-23T09:03:00.004-04:00

I spend alot of time comparing my childhood to my adult life. I think about the things I enjoyed doing as a kid or wanted to do. I hike, I ride my bike and I have learned how to swim. I also love to perform. I've always been in plays, church productions, skits, whatever you wanna call it. I the sixth grade, I wrote, directed and performed in a play about unionizing coal miners. In high school, I sang in the chorale (glee club), and in college I was in two productions; A Day of Absence and Home.

So in keeping with the practice of reconnecting with my youth, I responded to an ad in the local paper for actors & crew members needed for a local production. Initially, I was going to be the make-up person/PA/female understudy. I ended up playing one of the characters in the play. We were able to improv, and I think I did ok with it, considering that was my first time trying it. We were only able to pull off one production of it. I'm hoping we can do more with this next one.

I'm now doing a second play, where I am the mother of a young woman, who becomes a victim of domestic violence. This is a subject near and dear to my heart, as I am a survivor and witness of domestic violence. The curious thing in this case is I don't know the ending of the play. We will see how this goes...

I'm also preparing for NaNoWriMo 2009. Even though I signed up in 2007, I never even attempted writing anything. This year will be different. I don't know what story I'm going tell; I've had the idea of writing about a first-hand experience at an abortion clinic some years ago, but I really haven't fleshed that one out. Sometimes I think it's just too old of a story to tell, and I should start with something fresh. But it's really the first experience where I witnessed something truly amazing and thought this needs to be recreated and given some presence for others to respond to. Also, I don't know if I can do it justice.

Stay tuned...

Beckie has elbow room.

2009-10-06T11:38:00.001-04:00

This is one of those obscure blog posts that will make sense to no one but myself. But hey, it's my blog.

Just found out there's a little more room here for me to do me. I can expand and grow and learn and build and do whatever I want cuz I just got me some more elbow room!

In reality, nothing has really changed for me in my daily life. But knowing there is no longer a need (psychologically) to limit or restrict or even punish myself and my actions because of what others might say, do or think, is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I could compare this with finally being left alone to work on a piece of art, without having someone peering over your shoulder, critiquing every brush stroke. Now I can create what I want, how I want. I can just be.

When I realized this was happening, this Schoolhouse Rock song, popped into my mind...gotta gotta get me some Elbow Room!!

Ahhh.

Why I love Penelope Trunk.

2009-10-03T09:45:00.001-04:00

"Because if I am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I’m trying my hardest to be good and kind, then anything I’m doing is fine to tell people." Penelope Trunk

This woman tweeted about having a miscarriage...during a board meeting.

She shamelessly blogged about being frustrated with trying to get an abortion in Wisconsin.

Trunk researched and wrote about the correlation between higher-paid women and oral sex.

Penelope Trunk publicly wrote about her divorce.

This last statement is how I found her blog. I was going through a divorce and what I found out later was severe depression. I couldn't think at work. Some days I would come in and sit in my chair and do absolutely nothing. Not one thing. Not surfing the internet, painting my nails, or reading a book (which I've done before at work). I. did. nothing. I didn't even think. I couldn't concentrate enough to form a coherent thought. I knew this couldn't last. So being the school nerd I am, I looked up divorce and work online. Surely someone has experienced this same struggle. How does one navigate one's life while it's being examined, redefined, assessed and mutilated at the same time?

I found nothing that fit my needs. Oh, there's lots of stuff on divorce, the legal stuff, the custody stuff, the splitting up the stuff stuff. And there's way more information about depression. But that isn't what I wanted. I wanted work and divorce. I don't have a trust fund...I can't take a leave of absence. Eventually I found this. Hi Ms. Trunk...that's a weird name to choose.

The fact that I found something made a difference. I think I might have filed a piece of paper, or renamed a folder that day. Because she shared her experience, not with a few people, but for all, she provided me with something I needed. She didn't tell me what to do, how to do it, or how much to pay, all she did was say...me too. I know that too. And that's what I needed to move on. In a nutshell, what she writes is about knowing yourself; whether it's at work, at home, or on the farm. At that time in my life, I didn't know myself. I didn't have a clue whose body I was in. So that was where I began.

I'm not judging her tweets, posts or other comments. My opinion of her life doesn't matter. I'm not judging her. I'm glad she talks about her life at work and at home. I don't think she's wrong for doing it. Following her experience gives me food for thought about mine. It makes me think about what I might write about my own life at work. What issues do I dare reveal? If it's happening, why deny it? I agree with PT that keeping secrets is not a good thing.

I don't know that anything earth shattering would have happened had I not found her blog that day. I'm sure I would have pulled myself together, as I have and continue to do. But man oh man, I'm glad she did. I imagine someone else somewhere is appreciative for that tweet as well.

I'm doing my best to live an honest life, keep my eyes open, take responsibility for my actions, and be good and kind. I'm with you PT.

Obama Art

2009-10-03T07:00:00.001-04:00

Instead of the traditional portrait of Jesus, with MLK and John Kennedy on either side, I've got a poster of Obama in my living room. It's a nice candid shot, with smaller clips of more Obama art surrounding it. I have more Obama art featured here.

I came across this article and thought this artist explains it way better than I ever could:

"People undervalue the potential impact of art: It's different from what a slogan or a normal political logo can do. It has more of a depth, more of a connection." Shepard Fairey

Some of the art is super-campy; but alot of it is good. I hung the poster because Obama inspires me; I feel like my vote does make a difference--the yes we can motto stays present in my mind. And it's that feeling I want to sustain; not to say prayers to it or rub his photo for good luck.

I also don't agree with everything he does and says. But I do respect the presidency. And this term, I also respect the man.

Now, where should I hang the giant fork and spoon?

behind those eyes

2009-10-02T07:23:00.008-04:00

What's behind those eyes
I ask myself as I journey
into your space
I feel welcomed and safe
a place I've never been to
but seem to already know

I see beyond the visual
I see beyond the surface
it runs through me
and hits all my senses
and I know that's where I should be

What's behind those eyes
is a place for knowing
It's quiet and gentle
but don't stay long
the knowing can't sustain
the company

Behind those eyes
is a creature, curious and wounded
healing with nectar
from the root of truth
Yet the wound does not heal-
it does not heal
Because there is no wound
© 2009 beckie

Fall is...

2009-10-01T19:48:00.001-04:00

Warm hugs and chocolate.
Tumbling in soft bright wild leaves
as we all fall down.

100 Movies...Update

2009-09-30T13:39:00.002-04:00

I haven't made much of an effort to see these movies. Alot of them are really old; not in a vintage way, but more in an outdated/outmoded way.

P.S.
I don't think I can do Sound of Music. Just don't see it happening.

0-9
~~12 Angry Men~~ (1957)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
400 Blows (1959)
8 1/2 (1963)

A
The African Queen (1952)
Alien (1979)
All About Eve (1950)
Annie Hall (1977)
~~Apocalypse Now~~ (1979)

B
The Battle of Algiers (1967)
The Bicycle Thief (1948)
Blade Runner (1982)
~~Blazing Saddles~~ (1974)
Blow Up (1966)
Blue Velvet (1986)
~~Bonnie and Clyde~~ (1967)
Breathless (1960)
~~The Bridge on the River Kwai~~ (1957)
Bringing Up Baby (1938)
Butch Cassidy and the
Sundance Kid (1969)

C
~~Casablanca~~ (1942)
Chinatown (1974)
Citizen Kane (1941)
Crouching Tiger, Hidden
Dragon (2000)

D
~~Die Hard~~ (1988)
~~Do the Right Thing~~ (1989)
Double Indemnity (1944)
Dr. Strangelove (1964)
~~Duck Soup~~ (1933)

E
~~E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial~~ (1982)
~~Enter the Dragon~~ (1973)
The Exorcist (1973)

F
~~Fast Times At Ridgemont High~~ (1982)
~~The French Connection~~ (1971)

G
~~The Godfather~~ (1972)
~~The Godfather, Part II~~ (1974)
~~Goldfinger~~ (1964)
~~The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly~~ (1968)
~~Goodfellas~~ (1990)
~~The Graduate~~ (1967)
Grand Illusion (1938)
~~Groundhog Day~~ (1993)

H
A Hard Day’s Night (1964)

I
In the Mood For Love (2001)
It Happened One Night (1934)
~~It’s a Wonderful Life~~ (1946)

J
~~Jaws~~ (1975)

K
~~King Kong~~ (1933)

L
The Lady Eve (1941)
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
~~The Lord of the Rings~~ (2001)

M
M (1931)
~~M*A*S*H~~ (1970)
The Maltese Falcon (1941)
~~The Matrix~~ (1999)
Modern Times (1936)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

N
~~National Lampoon’s Animal House~~ (1978)
~~Network~~ (1976)
~~Nosferatu~~ (1922)

O
On the Waterfront (1954)
~~One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest~~ (1975)

P
Paths of Glory (1958)
Princess Mononoke (1999)
~~Psycho~~ (1960)
~~Pulp Fiction~~ (1994)

R
~~Raging Bull~~ (1980)
~~Raiders of the Lost Ark~~ (1981)
Raise the Red Lantern (1992)
Rashomon (1951)
~~Rear Window~~ (1954)
~~Rebel Without a Cause~~ (1955)
~~Rocky~~ (1976)
~~Roman Holiday~~ (1953)

S
~~Saving Private Ryan~~ (1998)
Schindler’s List (1993)
The Searchers (1956)
Seven Samurai (1954)
~~The Shawshank Redemption~~ (1994)
~~The Silence of the Lambs~~ (1991)
~~Singin’ in the Rain~~ (1952)
~~Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs~~ (1937)
~~Some Like It Hot~~ (1959)
The Sound of Music (1965)
~~Star Wars~~ (1977)
Sunset Blvd. (1950)

T
~~Terminator 2: Judgment Day~~ (1991)
The Third Man (1949)
This is Spinal Tap (1984)
~~Titanic~~ (1997)
~~To Kill a Mockingbird~~ (1962)
~~Toy Story~~ (1995)

U
~~The Usual Suspects~~ (1995)

V
~~Vertigo~~ (1958)

W
~~When Harry Met Sally…~~ (1989)
Wild Strawberries (1957)
Wings of Desire (1988)
~~The Wizard of Oz~~ (1939)
Women On the Verge of Nervous Breakdown (1988)
The World of Apu (1959)

Beckie has a new religion.

2009-09-25T14:19:00.010-04:00

Gimme some new religion,
Something that I can feel.
Gimme some new tomorrow,
Bring it on and make it real.
I'm drowning in sweet forgiveness,
Come on baby turn my life, yeah.
Alice Smith, New Religion

Well, not really. But I am furthering my journey along a path I've considered traveling for a while now. Mrs. Cook, my sixth grade grade teacher, introduced me to meditation. I don't know why it appealed to me then, but it did. Meditation is one of things that makes sense to me, even though I don't completely understand it.

My religious experience consists of being raised in a Baptist family while attending Catholic school. Therefore, I know how to sit for a long time and say lots of prayers. I can say most of those prayers in Spanish (Jesus is multilingual, are you?). My second grade teacher told us non-Catholics we might be going to hell because we weren't Catholic. To compensate for what could possibly be eternal damnation, I would practically wash my face in holy water each week before and after mass. I confessed. I said the rosary. Once, one of my friends let me sub for her as an altar girl. I loved to ring the bells. If going to church was crack, I then just call me Pooky. "God be call'n me, he be call'n me!" I went to Mass once a week at school, some Saturdays, and then off to Baptist church on Sundays. I was in the children's choir, children's usher board, and secretary for children's Sunday School. I was in every group there was. I figured if Catholics had the sure ticket to heaven, then going to two churches instead of just one was bound to get me extra credit. Gold star for Beckie!

I converted to Catholicism to marry my X and raise our kids in his family parish (which no longer exists). Now that I'm divorced (sans annulment), I'm technically a pariah. That would be a problem if I cared. I don't. Religion is a Google map, as far as I'm concerned. It's a route that can but sometimes doesn't get you to where you think you want to be.

At this point in my life, church (any) isn't working for me. I find I connect with God more easily and more meaningfully when I meditate. That's my church. That, reading (Tolle, Holmes, and Rinpoche), community service and Joel. Trying to find a new church home is hard work. I dare anybody to try it. Better yet, try as a single person, then go with your family. See if there is a difference. It flat out sucks. No church is as welcoming as it thinks it is; some churches flat out don't want new members. This has been my experience with christian churches, non-denominational (by definition is denominational), Baptist, and Catholic.

But I've never been one to care too much what people think. If I like the feeling I get going to a church, I'll go as long as I like how I feel. But in recent years, I've only gone because I feel like I'm supposed to, to give the kids the experience. And frankly, that's not enough. The fact that I'm a Christian mutt only benefits me when it comes to game show trivia. My kids also feel and see the disconnect between new members and old ones. It's not a fun experience for them. And I'm kinda over the whole perfect attendance at church thing. I'm not knocking folks who go to church; please don't read any sarcasm in what I'm saying. In fact, I like and admire that. But it doesn't work for me. Spiritually, it just doesn't work.

What has been working for me is meditation. For years, I've practiced alone. Only child syndrome...introvert...I find people exhausting. Meditating helps me remember myself. It helps me relax out of the anxiety I feel when I'm encountering the world. I trust myself and my intuition more. Mediation gave me the strength to ask my X for a divorce. Meditation helps me to chart a course of action for myself and my family. But...meditating alone is a real challenge. And it brings up issues that I don't know what to do with. So now I've started to attend a meditation group. And so far, it's going well. And by so far, I mean two sessions. But I know enough about meditation and the community that potentially comes along with it to know that I like this one. Although it is based in a Buddhist tradition, being a Buddhist is not a requirement. Nor is it an expectation. Meditation is truly a non-denominational practice. This group seems to embrace that concept.

I see myself working on pulling together things I used to think were incongruous, fractured or just not acceptable. Things appealed to me at different times in my life and I didn't know why. But now they seem to come together; vegetarianism, yoga, meditation, my disdain for litter, instrumentals. Peaceful habits of sentient beings. I don't know where this is going to take me; but I'm looking forward to this ride. This year I want answers--no more questions. I'm tired of waiting. Let's go.

Sixteen Candles

2009-09-07T22:10:00.005-04:00

I didn't do much journaling much in the 90's. I was too busy trying to get my Diane Keaton on. Fortunately for me, God watches over fools and babies...back then I was both. Considering some of my escapades, I should be thankful there is no written evidence of my behavior. But truth be told, I wouldn't change any of it.

I graduated from college in four years; 1990. I got a job right out of college. I was living on my own, and you couldn't tell me anything. I was making a whopping $20,000 a year! I was hot! I bought a car worth almost twice my annual salary, I had a my own apartment and a college degree. Most of my friends were still in school, or out of school trying to figure things out. The next thing I did after securing my place as a debtholder, was to get a tattoo. Mind you, the early 90's was about grunge and house music. Bubble tape and string cheese. Overalls and spiral perms. Tattoos were not yet mainstream. A car, tattoos, money, free will? All I needed was a dog and a motorcycle, and that was it for me.

Most Sundays, my friend would come over for breakfast. We would recap the previous night's events and/or victims in full detail. One particular day, she glanced at the paper and noticed the Classifieds...the dating section. (Do they still have this in newspapers?) I guess that was today's version of online dating. We saw it as another opportunity to recruit more volunteers. Game FN on. The first person I contacted from the classifieds is still a good friend to this day. The rest? Well, those may have to be future postings. Dirty Socks, Roaches and Me, and the Al the Tiniest Pianist sound like good blog titles, yes?

Anyhoo, today's post is really not about any of that.

Sixteen years ago I somehow, unbelieveably (even to this day) got pregnant. I SO did not want kids. I told everyone this. A dog and a bike. That's it. No kids. That's my plan. I had never even changed a diaper at that point in my life. I was 24 and having fun. I was thinking about moving to Atlanta (with practically every other person I knew). I didn't consider myself the white-house-with-a-picket-fence-type of girl. I was not the type to do something like wind up unmarried and with child. It took half an hour to convince my mother I wasn't joking when I told her.

I was very disconnected from the thought of being pregnant. I just couldn't get my head wrapped around the idea that I was going to be a parent. To me, it was like if a man said he was pregnant ( mind you this is 1993, not 2008), After she was born, I asked the nurse if I could get some food because I was hungry. I had been in labor for 2 days and couldn't eat. She asked me if I wanted to hold my baby. I said sure, but how long on the food? Honestly, it took about 2 years before I finally came to terms with being a mother. Two years. I wasn't a bad mother initially, I just couldn't figure out what this baby was doing here. I didn't want a roommate, I wanted a dog! I went to the Cleveland Indians game at the then-new Jacobs Field for her second birthday; we won over the Seattle Mariners, 4 to 1. Why waste money throwing a big party for a baby? She wasn't going to remember it.

What I didn't know then was that being her mother was going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Knowing my daughter and being able to watch her grow into a beautiful, funny, intelligent young lady who doesn't have a clue how amazing and messy she is, has been my honor. She was an easy baby. Slept all night. Ate everything. Even potty training was easy. She was a good baby. When she was two she told me that before she was bored (her word), she looked down from heaven and said to the angel she wanted me for her mother.

After I mopped up the snot and tears, I couldn't help but think this kid is crazy! But I'm so glad she did pick me. She gave me love and a purpose that was better and greater than anything I could have wanted or ever hoped for.

On this sixteenth birthday, I couldn't be prouder or happier to be chosen as her mom!

Make this month greener...update!

2009-09-02T13:07:00.004-04:00

I have found another natural foods market nearby. It's called Seven Grains, and it's not far from where I live. I'm excited about this because they sell antibiotic-free, hormone-free, grass-fed meats! Didn't I just ask this of the universe?

They are also a distributor of Field Roast Grain Meat products. The little one doesn't know it yet, but he's about to go "veg" too! Actually, I consider him and my daughter true meat-lovers. Both of them always ate all the meat on their plates. My daughter admits she sometimes gets cravings, but she doesn't cheat...I have to give her credit. But I really don't like meat; it's too, well, fleshy! I'm happy to give it up. I'm am concerned about too much fake meat though. I'm not sure how tasty it is. I've found a few homemade options I plan on trying, with beans.

I'm going to cook up the remaining meat I have, and make a serious effort not to buy meat or meat-related products anymore. My daughter's birthday is next week. We're having a small family gathering and I'm making a vegetarian dish...which one I haven't decided. This will be good practice because I know I'll have to start making dishes for holiday get-togethers that my daughter and I will be able to eat.

On another note, a good friend of mine is ~~celebrating~~, ~~observing~~, honoring Ramadan. She's catholic, but her sweetie is Muslim. Isn't that awesome? She's the bomb; I'm sure he knows. I know very little about Islam, but to me, it sounds like Lent, in practice and in purpose. Anyway, from what I have learned from my buddy Badr, I think I'm going to give fasting a shot.

The sunrise/sunset I'm following is here. For me, this isn't about becoming Muslim, it's more about getting my mind, my soul, and my actions to align. My mental image of who I am is very different than my behavior in alot of ways; I need for that disparity to disappear. And again, the bar is just hovering above the ground on this one. I'm not going for 100% every single day. But I am going to do the best I can with what I have to make the most of this experience. We'll see what comes of it.

2009-09-01T17:13:00.007-04:00

Make this Month Even 'Greener'!

Live Healthy. Live Happy. Make a Difference!
Badr Bakry
Copyright © Badr Bakry 2009

Some ideas to make this month even 'greener'!

(Badr's text is in black. My comments are in green.)

Turn off you TV. For this whole month.

Now that Saving Grace is over for the season, and True Blood, Mad Men, Monk, and Psych will soon end, I can turn off my TV ~~most days~~. I cancelled Showtime, even though it pains me to not watch Dexter. I don’t get premium channels or DVR on my bedroom TV anymore, and I really don’t watch much TV in there anyway. I’d rather read or work on the computer or sleep. I keep saying my ultimate goal is to cancel cable altogether, but I’m afraid my kids will launch a revolt.

Reduce the use of cell phones.

I’d be happier if I didn’t have one period. I only use it for my kids, and the occasional random person call. I don’t like being that connected. But I also don’t like being limited by minutes or texts or any of that. Most of the time it’s at the bottom of my purse, so I tend to miss calls. It’s easier to call me at work or at home.

In fact, I’d like it if my cell phone wasn’t a phone at all. Talking on it is the last thing I do with it! I use it for RSS, calendar, notes, web, text, camera, and if I hold it under the light in the right way, a mirror!

Be informed and learn about the issues in our environment, and know your options.

I would like to attend a discussion on health care reform. I know where the big pieces ~~sort of~~ fit in this picture, but I would like to hear a more practical implementation strategy at the local level.

Eat more greens and whole, unprocessed foods, fruits and vegetables.

There is always romaine in my fridge. I love salads. Usually spinach too. I do my best to shop the “outside” of the grocery store. Actually, there’s a great local market down the street from me, Krieger’s. I buy almost all my produce there. They have a nice supply of vegan/vegetarian items as well. I’ve made fruit salads a couple of times, but we didn’t really eat much of it. Dunno why…it was tasty.

Eat meat, eggs and dairy from grass-fed animals.

I'm transitioning to a meatless diet. Once upon a time, I was a vegetarian, but that was a while ago. I'm really not a big meat eater. Most meals don't have meat or much of it. My daughter has been a veghead for almost two years. My son however, probably bleeds bacon grease. Well, it's really f-acon (turkey bacon), also known as edible paper IMO.

Shop for meats guaranteed to come from animals that have not been given any hormones or antibiotics.

I know Krieger’s buys from local vendors, but I’m not sure where they stand with organic/free range/grassfed meats.

Shop local food and produce, go to the farmers market.

I’m going to a farmer’s market this weekend!

I’m also trying to break up with Wal.M.art. I live right across the street from one, so it’s really hard not to go there when I need poster board or milk at 8:00 at night. I comparison shop and I know for many of the taxable items I buy, they have the lowest prices. I try to use my membership at a local wholesale club (which is not owned by Wally), but sometimes it just can’t be avoided. When you have other people to take care of, convenience becomes a commodity. My time is money!

Make your food colorful and attractive.

I’m not a bad cook. I’m still learning new, healthier and creative ways to prepare meals, and I definitely like it when my friends and family compliment me on a meal.

Read labels carefully. If you don’t understand it, don’t buy it.

Check!

Eat slowly and chew your food.

Duh.

Buy less food this month.

Not possible with the boy in the house.

Avoid all sugar products.

Working on it. Iced tea is a fav. There are a lot of Stevia-ia products out there, Truvia, etc. Don’t think they are budget friendly.

Avoid all refined carbohydrates.

I found a blog on making your own hamburger buns. Seems pretty easy and straight forward..gonna try that this month too. (I'll add the link when I find it!)

I don’t buy sliced bread anymore. I’m trying to get into making wraps, but I haven’t completely transitioned. Right now, the kids get school lunches (gasp). I just can’t beat the convenience factor. I hate making lunches. That’s so lazy, but I do.

Avoid all refined sweeteners, such as sugar, dextrose, glucose, high fructose corn syrup and fruit juices.

I cut all that out a while ago. I don’t buy any juice at all except orange juice.

Avoid all hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated fats and oils.

Check!

Avoid all refined liquid vegetable oils made from soy, corn, safflower, canola or cottonseed, and all processed oils and hydrogenated oils.

Check!

Avoid all fried food.

Most of the time. The boy likes my fried chicken, so once or twice a month I cook it for him. Once in a while, I will fry potatoes (greasy yummy heaven), but that’s it! I have a stovetop grill, a toaster oven

Avoid drinking the poison called ~~SODA~~ pop.

Even though I have a case a pop and drank one yesterday, I don’t really like it. I only buy it for gatherings, but from now on, I quit!

Stop using microwaves.
I use it less frequently. I never prepare meat or defrost anything in it. Most of the time we use the toaster oven when we can. I also hate those microwave lunches/meals! Even though those are uber-convenient, I don’t like the taste or the way the foods look. The only micromeal I do like are the Tabatchnick soups. The Balsamic Tomato & Rice Soup is yummy!

Car pool to work or take the bus.

I would love to take the bus. But there are no routes from my apartment to my job. Even though I work only 9 miles away, there is no safe bike path either. I would have to cross over a highway on a narrow shoulder, so that ain’t happen! Someone might think I look like Michelle Obama from the back and try to run me down!

Stop smoking.

Don’t smoke anyway! Check!

Avoid using make-up, it causes skin cancer and many other skin problems.

Hmm, Badr. Make-up causes cancer? That’s a first. I usually wear mascara, powder and lip gloss. That’s not so much. On the weekends, I usually don’t bother. I like to play with make-up; it’s fun to put on, but I don’t like wearing too much because I touch my face a lot and end up with smudges everywhere.

Walk at least 20 minutes everyday.

I really need to do this. Really really do.

Give something every day of this month, an advice, a smile, a gift, listen to someone...

I think I do this anyway. Some days I think I do too much of it. But I guess it comes with the territory. Besides, it could be worse. I recall someone once telling me what it was like to go through the day without any physical contact from another person. No acknowledgment of his existence, except as a fleeting customer or bus passenger. He had no one who cared about him or depended on him for anything. I think about that when I think of my parents, who each live alone and each have significant health issues. Days when I think I can’t bear to have a conversation about mundane activities like what I made for dinner or what the kids are up to, I realize for my folks, these accounts are the highlights of their days. I get and give hugs and kisses every day. That’s a beautiful thing. I do my best to share it, even if it is over the phone.

Volunteer work.

I’ve been checking out a few places, but I haven’t done much more than that. I’d like to volunteer at a retirement community, but I don’t really know where one is down here.

Plant a tree or a small garden.

Since my last attempt at gardening failed miserably, I think I will try container gardening. One day.

Recycle and buy recycled paper products.

I stopped buying paper towels a year ago. The kids thought it was weird, but now they’re used to it. I use washable rags instead. When they get gross, I throw them out! Simple!

I carry big purses, so if I’m running errands, I tell the cashier I don’t need a bag. Or I’ll grab the trendy grocery bags from the trunk of my car. It’s much easier to carry them up and down the stairs.

Think positive thoughts and practice forgiveness.

Check! The last few weeks I’ve rekindled my relationship with my father. I love him and missed him dearly. But forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. We won’t have the type of relationship I’d like, but it will be a functional one. I think he also now understands that I have boundaries that cannot be crossed. I’m hoping for the best, and recognizing my own weaknesses in this process.

(Whew! I didn’t see wine on the list!)

September Haiku

2009-09-01T00:00:00.001-04:00

Forgotten, alone.
Forever waiting, two weeks.
Until next True Blood.

True or False?

2009-08-28T16:37:00.004-04:00

This is from MilesPerHour:

You post five things about yourself. Four are true. One is untrue. All are so outlandish, implausible or ridiculous that no one would be inclined to believe that any of them are true. And despite the pleas from your readers, you never divulge which ones are true and which one is false.

I shoplifted my way through college.
I started driving at 12 years old.
I used to hitchhike.
As a youngster, I spat on people I didn't like.
I was once arrested.

Umm, ok. So, I don't know how you "tag" someone through a blog, so...yeah, um, that's it!

Un-Food for the Month of September: Sugar

2009-08-26T10:25:00.012-04:00

Green Ramadan is my friend on Facebook. Green is actually Badr Bakry (I think it's ironic his last name looks like bakery), author of Cleanse Your Life Now. His website describes him as a Mind-Body wellness practitioner, holistic nutrition specialist, international speaker and life coach. Job titles like life coach and mor.tga.ge bro.ker tend to turn me off, but his postings are just too much common sense to turn away.

I've included several postings here today because I want to be able to quickly refer to them when the lure of sugar starts gnawing at me (or me gnawing at it). I've heard all this stuff before, years of knowing better but too lazy to do better. There's no reason I can't be the healthiest I can be. I want that for my kids. Which ultimately means I have to be the model for them. Too much pwesha!!

So to that end, I'll be exploring sugar substitutes, listing foods and beverages I'm reducing to zero consumption. By the end of the month, I'll post where I am in this process. Since I'm allergic to follow-through, I'm setting the bar really low for myself. I'll be happy if I end the month will a suitable substitute for sweetening iced tea. I'll tackle caffeine in another month.

Wish me luck!

From Green Ramadan:

"Natural Sugar Alternatives: Raw honey & Stevia. Stevia is an herb native to South America, is now grown and cultivated throughout the world. Stevia is much sweeter than sugar but does not affect blood sugar levels, can be used for sweetening beve...rages and for baking. Stevia is easily digested, dissolves quickly and it is safe for diabetics. It has no calories or carbohydrates.

95% of people are addicted to sugar to some degree! Refined sugar is a pure chemical. In my opinion, it is like heroin, and even more of a threat because it’s legal and cheap. It’s a chemical that has been stripped through the refining process of all... the natural food nutrition that originally resided in the plant. Heroin and sugar are produced by very similar processes.

Refined sugar has absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. It also robs the body of enzymes, minerals and vitamins, especially B-vitamins. Symptoms of B-vitamin deficiency include: fatigue, depression, anxiety, inability to concentrate, poor memory, insomnia and irregular heart beat."

I eat books!

2009-08-24T11:31:00.004-04:00

PaperBack Swap - Best swap site IMO. Although you won't find everything you want here, the set up is nice and easy to use. No pressure to do more than you want; they don't clog up you're email with useless messages. The best thing is how easy it is to print the wrapping. PBS really helps you contain the mailing costs for books.

Swap Tree
Book Mooch - This site is international. You can't buy credits like you can on PBS.

I don't bother with the sites that charge a swap fee. And I don't do the exclusive academic swaps either. I've been able to find a decent selection of texts from PBS.

You can find me here and here.

Blogs O' The Moment

2009-08-21T14:37:00.008-04:00

I've been reading some great blogs on dating. Well, maybe they're really more about living single. Dating (or not dating) would be a subset (eww, I'm at work, so I'm thinking statistically). Here are some links to blogs worth reading:

47 and starting over - Responds to the question, is it possible to still find that "happily ever after?"

Single & Blessed - Discusses dating, parenting & living single

Thunder From A Quiet Storm - Talks about building trust and how it's manifested in relationships with children

One of the things I enjoy about blogging is reading about life from a variety of perspectives. Age, gender, and ethnicity all vary, but the universal connection of love (not in the romantic sense, but in the life giving sense) is what I think speaks to me. I learn alot about myself reading other people's blogs. I think it's helping me make sense of the world I've created in my head. I feel more confident when I make decisions on how I "feel" about something, which for me, is a combination of logic and emotion. When I think about bad/poor decisions I've made in the past about relationships and men, those choices usually came from either logic OR emotion. For me, an effective decision has to include both arenas. And not just about men, but about anything.

I'm learning I don't have to answer to anyone else's standard of living. But I do have to answer to mine. Thanks bloggers for giving me fuel to feed my thoughts and figure out my path.

Update on the Breakfast Song

2009-08-21T12:15:00.004-04:00

I must have watched this video at least 10 times when it first crossed my path. Every now and then, I check it out because I just love their commitment and enthusiasm to what has to be the weirdest mash-up gospel song ever.

You Tuber, edearnest, posted this update back in February 2009:

"This song aired on The Mornin' Show, a local program carried by NBC affiliate WTVA in Tupelo, Mississippi. BREAKING NEWS: BREAKFAST SINGERS IDENTIFIED! This from Tom Joyners website www.blackamericaweb.com. The lady singer was interviewed on his March 13th show. In the clip, Minister Cleo Clariet and his fiancé Katherine Lane are shown singing on "The Kay Bain Show" in Tupelo, Mississippi in May or June of 2004. Clariet passed away from congenital heart disease on Dec. 13, 2004. Lane said he would have been thrilled to know his song is now entertaining so many people."

Thanks for Breakfast Cleo..RIP.

T-Shirt of the Moment

2009-08-13T18:48:00.000-04:00

I know my kids are glad this shirt wasn't around when they were babies!

August Haiku

2009-08-06T15:36:00.006-04:00

Your head's up your ass.

If you pull it out quickly,
you'll see me go by!

One Day At A Time

2009-08-05T16:20:00.004-04:00

I wrote this as a post on 43 Things. I'm featuring it here because I really like the way it reads. I had to re-read it several times just to make sure I actually wrote it. I kept thinking, did I write that? I'm impressed with myself..good stuff kid-o! I'll comment on the content of this entry smuthertime!

12 months ago - July 2008

So far so good! Although I’ve tried this before, I’ve never really stuck to it. I think it’s because I really didn’t want to accept that I would have to or need to do such a thing. My occasional weekend wine sipping somehow turned into a nightly ritual. I would have anywhere from 2 to 4 glasses. Weekends I could spend the whole afternoon sipping on a glass.

Why did I not think this was a big deal at first? Because everybody does that, right? What else is there to do when you’re home doing chores, preparing meals and coordinating this, that and the other? Besides, a glass of wine (or 3) would relieve my headache/boredom/nerves.

So this time, I’m all about right now. Right now, I’m 2 days sober, working on 3. My dog has helped me understand the zen-inspired philosophy of being in the now. It’s amazing the difference. And yes, I recognize it after just 2 days.

I feel physical discomfort from not drinking daily. My stomach is in knots, I can’t eat anything and I still have a headache. But that will go away (please God) after a while. I take comfort in knowing that my kids don’t see Mom with yet another glass of wine in her hand, I have some stamina to exercise in the form or twice daily walks with my dog, and I go to bed much earlier.

To sum it all up, if you want to slow up or stop drinking altogether, I can share with you 4 things that have worked for me. One, tell someone. It doesn’t have to be someone close to you. Even better. Tell someone who is not dependent on you for anything. That way, they are totally objective about it. Me…well, I’m telling you. Second, turn off the tv, or whatever it is that keeps you from getting off the couch or out of the bed. This leads to the third activity; exercise. Don’t waste money on a gym if that’s your excuse. Just walk. You don’t even have to walk quickly. Just get outside and walk somewhere. Can’t go to far from home? Walk a short distance twice, three times in a row. Just move your body. You’ve got to replace your drinking time with something to keep your body occupied.

Finally, the last best thing you can do for yourself is to get a pet. I happen to think dogs are awesome as a sobriety tool because you have to take the dog out, you have to wake up in the morning, you have to train your dog to behave in the house. However, if you’re not a pet person, don’t bother. You either are one or not. Don’t suffer the pet for your cures.

A Mash-up: House Music & Marion Barry

2009-07-14T15:52:00.006-04:00

Eighth note clap beats...

Beat box goes unn chh, unn chh, unn chh....

oh u put me out boy, u know u put me out boy, why u put me out, cuz I wouldn't s*ck your d*ck!

(repeat refrain 50 times for EP version)

People are overrated.

2009-07-12T13:09:00.007-04:00

I think people spend too much time thinking about themselves. I think I think too much about myself, but not as much as some other people do. I think men think about themselves more than women; children more than adults; mainstream more than the marginalized; single more than the married; religious more than the secular; wealthy more than the poor. This is my observation and opinion--not an indictment or accusation.

The more you think about yourself, the less vulnerable you are. Less vulnerable, less genuine.

Less genuine; more constructed, fabricated, simulated, false.

False = Lost.

When you're lost, you're vulnerable. But you're not really vulnerable, because you're not being true to yourself and to others. The answer is there. Be vulnerable and the answer will find you. You're not lost.

I refuse to be cynical. I refuse to be jaded. I refuse to be a grown up. I want to play, sing off-key, get rained on, waste time, make mistakes, be passionate, talk too much, share too much and give too much. I want to die tired of enjoying myself. I want no restraints. I want to feel pain, I want to know I've done the wrong thing and lived through it. I want the trials and tribulations that life and love and living have to offer. I'm not scared. I can take it. I'm not afraid to cry in public, laugh too loud or cuss in front of my kids. Tears? Those are scout badges of experience. It's my divine animal right to scream at the top of my lungs or meditate quietly at the setting of the sun.

This is not written out of inspiration. It's a confession. I live in a world that says emotions are overrated. Grow up, you're in your forties for goodness sake. Toys? Puzzles? Games? Love? Passion? What the fuck are you talking about? Who the hell reads anymore? There are schedules and cleaning and work and bills and goals and dinner and groceries and social events that require your face (but not your heart or your brain) and hey, when's the last time you got a support payment (a what?) and what else, oh yeah forgot to mention the backed up toilet and the dog threw up again, and the economy and layoffs, and revenue streams, and is it bad if you haven't had an oil change in a year? and kids and their social lives (fuck, more?) oh hell yes there's family and friends (of varying degrees for the former and the latter) and shit, school and politics, and rent (when did living become something to afford) and...so how do you feel about all of this?

I love it. Bring it bitch. Big G's got my back. I'm out. I need to buy another puzzle. Fuck the dog hair in the carpet. Me and my kid are going swimming.

Remember The Time

2009-07-08T11:11:00.003-04:00

Rebecca Walker wrote an essay that best describes how I feel about Michael and his unfortunate passing. "Michael’s music was a running soundtrack for my life," Walker says. I couldn't agree more. And how amazing is it, that so many others could easily make the same statement? A New Jersey housewife, a vegan seamstress in Southern California, a Finnish factory worker...Michael's influence has been worldwide, spanning ages, cultures, religions.

As a teen, I had MJ posters, magazines, t-shirts, buttons, stickers and drawings of Michael all over one half of my room. The other half was dedicated to Prince. As much as I love Prince, Michael was to me a true friend, a big brother, who no matter how he was treated, showed me a way to love. He sang of love in its many forms. But most often, he sang of universal love. The type of love that prompts me to smile when I see elderly black men because they remind me of my father and grandfather. Love that brightens my day when I see young children trying to figure out how they fit in this great big world.

In that very sad interview which led to accusations of child molestation, Michael said something profound. I don't think many people caught it; I didn't until someone explained it.

"The most loving thing you can do for someone is to share your bed with them."

If you consider that in the context of universal love, and not a sexual or a perverted sense, then Michael is absolutely right. My kids are not babies. But once in a while, one or both of them will creep in my room and snuggle with me. There aren't many other ways to show love that are as powerful as that. I don't believe MJ harmed those kids. I do believe his actions may have been inappropriate. However, ultimate blame for any harm or inappropriateness belongs to the parents of those children.

I've spoken to a few people who don't get it. They don't understand why so many others are affected by Michael's passing. Perhaps someone else wrote their life's soundtrack. If you don't know, you just don't know. But I'm glad I do.

The Untouchable Michael Jackson

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Where I've been: #1

2009-07-03T10:10:00.001-04:00

26 Jun 2K2

Inspiration interrupted...yet again.

Suddenly I am exhausted. A negative energy force has zapped my light source, rendering me utterly defenseless against the powers of wrong-headed thinking. My positivity levels have been depleted--must revive self. Headed on collision course with same negative ion that hijacked my glowing light ray. Must use instant-deafening shield at next encounter.

2 Jul 2|9

I'm going through my notebooks and uploading some passages as a part of this blog. I'm thinking I want to revisit the past to see what's the same and what's different. I think I wrote a couple of interesting things--I want to see how they grow.

I just got off the phone with a very dear friend. Both of us have been pretty bad at keeping in touch on the regular. But whenever we do talk/email, it's like we just pick up right where we left off. She reminded me how much of a procrastinator I can be. In high school, I never completed my work ahead of time..last minute me!! I told her how I need to write a paper for a course I took last summer (took an incomplete), before I decide if I want to finish my Ph.D. program. She cut me off and fronted on me like it personally offended her! Just the kick in the patooty I need!!

Je t'aime N!

My Invisibility

2009-07-02T20:28:00.007-04:00

I can cut my invisibility with a large, sharp knife

or wrap myself in it like a cloak.

I can bask in the fullness of my own

ambiguity, my enigmatic self.

The question is, who owns this cloak of disappearance,

this fabric of hidden-ness?

Is it mine to put on at will?

Or is it theirs to cover me when my presence is--

just...

not?

I am a ghost, an unseen shadow

present, but not

seen, but not

heard, but not

Never ever felt.

My ghostly cloak of hidden-ness, masking my ambiguous,

enigmatic self.

Their cloak of disappearance

silences the voices

quells the action

sanitizes the space

until my un-existence is clear.

July's Haiku

2009-07-02T14:31:00.006-04:00

©2008-2009 ~mlcamaro
We need look no more.
You've got a place to go now.
Now you're not alone.

Thank you Michael for your inspiration.

breakfast song

2009-06-19T08:54:00.002-04:00

TEARS...CONVULSIONS...omg..AM I REALLY SEEING THIS?!

WHO DOES THIS?

Hammer Pants Dance (HD)

2009-06-15T09:29:00.002-04:00

I've watched this video about 5 times in a row. Look at the diversity in this flash mob!! I love the old bald guy in the jacket, tie and sweatband! Every single person is dancing their hearts out! How can you not smile at that! I wanna be in a flash mob dance! That will be the ONLY way you'll ever catch me in a line dance!

A Black American - Def Poetry Jam

2009-06-05T17:18:00.001-04:00

Straight no chaser...thanks Smokey!

June's Haiku

2009-05-29T14:38:00.003-04:00

Halfway through forty
things look the same to me now
from a better view.

Beckie has 40tude.

2009-05-29T13:44:00.002-04:00

Because having one blog that I don't post to regularly isn't enough.

I have been a Bill Phillips fan for years, even though my body doesn't show it. He should have his own show. I don't know why OPRAH doesn't like him; he's way more practical and wiser than Bob Greene is. Maybe he's to Zen for OPRAH..dunno. I don't get her anyway (another blog post one day).

So I've tried like a zillion times to complete Bill's Body for Life and now Transformation challenge. I've gone as far as 6 to 8 weeks on them. It's easy, practical, simple. So why do I never finish? I suppose it's because the voices in my head continue to talk me out of it. Don't really know why, and I don't really care anymore. I need to make a change now, NOW, NOW! I'm getting on my own nerves with this lack of follow-through. So I'll be posting photos and writing about my umpteenth attempt at transforming myself into who I think I am.

I have to live up to my license plate.